Do you ever have moments of clarity? Moments when you are brutally honest with yourself and cast aside shoulds or expectations and simply embrace what is really there? I do so sometimes. Not always. I still struggle with guilt. When I picture my future, my husband isn't there. I don't wish him ill. I simply can't picture a life of more pain and more unkindness. And that brings me the sense of guilt. Because once my kids are gone it seems like I'm supposed to be woman enough to suck it up and just go on. That separating because of the kids would be ok but that separating because I sense that I am being slowly destroyed is not. Leaving to make the kids happier would be acceptable. For myself....well, let's just say that most of the people that I know won't get it. And explaining is so hard...especially when they still don't get it.
Evenso, when I picture my future, my husband is NEVER there. I try to picture it differently. I try to will myself to be different. But, in those moments when I am truly honest with myself, when I am not worrying about what anyone sees or believes, I see myself happy. Not problem free. Not rich. But happy. Living. Being. I see myself finally relaxed and enjoying the day to day life I've been given. I see myself traveling. And having my place by the sea. I think that I will probably live a life that is somewhat out of the norm. Probably not the nine to five kind of job. Writing? Researching possibilities for other....vacations, jobs, houses? Marketing for a beloved business? I honestly don't know the exact what. I just know that maybe they all work together to make up my future. That perhaps it doesn't have to look....responsible. Perhaps I can make my living doing and being who and what I am. Peacefully.
As it is now, it's as if I have to write in secret. I keep my dreams away from him because he either smashes them with his disbelief or uses guilt to make me feel horribly because in some way it is abandoning him or letting him down. He is really good at the hurt feelings. The passive aggressive.
My future life is going to be shaped by what I do today. I have to be braver than I have been. I have to take a deep breath and really kick ass doing some subbing. Even when I don't want to. No debt is my goal. And I incurred enough over the summer that it will take effort. And yet....it was TOTALLY worth it. Without any question. I don't regret it. But, with that and school loans, simply getting a grip on it and making it happen is going to take some doing. So, to a degree, I must discipline myself so that I can be freer in the future. For me, that is the greatest motivation. To be free of this sham. This life of trying to look right in a marriage that ISN'T right. It's not healthy. It's riddled with disease. I have mourned, but now, I am anxiously awaiting what comes next in my life. What it looks like.
That makes him angry. That makes him act hurt. That makes him lash out. That makes him pull out the big guns of religion. And I owe him the courtesy of hearing him. Not of being hurt by him. But, of hearing his pain. Because it is pain. Because though he has hurt me and doesn't even own it or get it, I am NOT that kind of person. I get how it feels to him. I get how abandoned and betrayed he feels. And though he has done much to get himself to this spot, he doesn't own that or get it. It is all just that he has made "mistakes". But, my job isn't to force him to understand. It isn't to make him feel badly. My job is to live and become who I am supposed to be. And I can't be his go to person to blame anymore.
He is winding up again. I sense the tension building. And I was wondering how I would make it. Sleeping in the chair. Have my stuff near me every night. Purse by the door. Keys in my pocket. Socks on. Phone on my chest...plugged in to not be caught uncharged. This is no way to live. When I hear footsteps I jump. When I awake in the morning I wonder if it's "safe" to get up. I check the room in the night to see if he's around. He scares me. I don't picture this for my future life. The craziness. The threatening....then backing off to act nice....until he can't stand it anymore and he has to let me know once again that he is in the right...that he is in control. He is bigger, stronger, faster and he is fueled by the sense that he is being wronged. I need not to live like this for the rest of my life. Yet, I keep wondering, is the "right" thing to do to have a bedroom of my own and stay "together"? Am I truly being evil to picture my future life with me in a peaceful place by the sea? Somewhere in the world. Having coffee. Or tea. Writing. Observing. Using my computer to help others. Sounds silly. I know. And yet, it is as if I can feel the wind blowing off of the waves and the pen in my hand. It's as real as my being right here right now. That might sound strange, but it's true. My future life is much as a baby in the womb. It's already alive. Though it has yet to be born.
with grace.
Evenso, when I picture my future, my husband is NEVER there. I try to picture it differently. I try to will myself to be different. But, in those moments when I am truly honest with myself, when I am not worrying about what anyone sees or believes, I see myself happy. Not problem free. Not rich. But happy. Living. Being. I see myself finally relaxed and enjoying the day to day life I've been given. I see myself traveling. And having my place by the sea. I think that I will probably live a life that is somewhat out of the norm. Probably not the nine to five kind of job. Writing? Researching possibilities for other....vacations, jobs, houses? Marketing for a beloved business? I honestly don't know the exact what. I just know that maybe they all work together to make up my future. That perhaps it doesn't have to look....responsible. Perhaps I can make my living doing and being who and what I am. Peacefully.
As it is now, it's as if I have to write in secret. I keep my dreams away from him because he either smashes them with his disbelief or uses guilt to make me feel horribly because in some way it is abandoning him or letting him down. He is really good at the hurt feelings. The passive aggressive.
My future life is going to be shaped by what I do today. I have to be braver than I have been. I have to take a deep breath and really kick ass doing some subbing. Even when I don't want to. No debt is my goal. And I incurred enough over the summer that it will take effort. And yet....it was TOTALLY worth it. Without any question. I don't regret it. But, with that and school loans, simply getting a grip on it and making it happen is going to take some doing. So, to a degree, I must discipline myself so that I can be freer in the future. For me, that is the greatest motivation. To be free of this sham. This life of trying to look right in a marriage that ISN'T right. It's not healthy. It's riddled with disease. I have mourned, but now, I am anxiously awaiting what comes next in my life. What it looks like.
That makes him angry. That makes him act hurt. That makes him lash out. That makes him pull out the big guns of religion. And I owe him the courtesy of hearing him. Not of being hurt by him. But, of hearing his pain. Because it is pain. Because though he has hurt me and doesn't even own it or get it, I am NOT that kind of person. I get how it feels to him. I get how abandoned and betrayed he feels. And though he has done much to get himself to this spot, he doesn't own that or get it. It is all just that he has made "mistakes". But, my job isn't to force him to understand. It isn't to make him feel badly. My job is to live and become who I am supposed to be. And I can't be his go to person to blame anymore.
He is winding up again. I sense the tension building. And I was wondering how I would make it. Sleeping in the chair. Have my stuff near me every night. Purse by the door. Keys in my pocket. Socks on. Phone on my chest...plugged in to not be caught uncharged. This is no way to live. When I hear footsteps I jump. When I awake in the morning I wonder if it's "safe" to get up. I check the room in the night to see if he's around. He scares me. I don't picture this for my future life. The craziness. The threatening....then backing off to act nice....until he can't stand it anymore and he has to let me know once again that he is in the right...that he is in control. He is bigger, stronger, faster and he is fueled by the sense that he is being wronged. I need not to live like this for the rest of my life. Yet, I keep wondering, is the "right" thing to do to have a bedroom of my own and stay "together"? Am I truly being evil to picture my future life with me in a peaceful place by the sea? Somewhere in the world. Having coffee. Or tea. Writing. Observing. Using my computer to help others. Sounds silly. I know. And yet, it is as if I can feel the wind blowing off of the waves and the pen in my hand. It's as real as my being right here right now. That might sound strange, but it's true. My future life is much as a baby in the womb. It's already alive. Though it has yet to be born.
with grace.
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