It took me a long time to get ready. To know what I needed to do. I guess that I'm a little bit slow in some ways. But, not on all things. I take the fact that I promised something very seriously. My husband always accuses me of not doing so. He doesn't know what it takes to push me to the point of taking back my words. Of changing my mind. Of choosing a different direction than the one I thought was for the rest of my life. And the simple fact that he doesn't know that.....is sad. And indicative of the fact that he has had no interest in getting to know me.
I told him that it's sad that he doesn't even know me well enough to see that I was disappearing. That I was ceasing to be who I was...and am. He cares who I am in relation to how it affects him. I have spent way too many years living with someone who simply has no interest in me....only in me as I pertain to him.
So, it took me a long time to get ready to face the real truth.
And now, it's taking me some time to get "set". I have to be wise. I have kids to consider. Their lives. Their activities. How they relate to their father. The needs they have. I have money to consider. I need to make a budget. I need to see what it will take to make two households work. If he is moving out then there needs to be enough for a deposit and first month's rent. That's simply realistic. Not like he's going to live on the street. There's all of the "stuff" to deal with. Who will take what? There's a lot to figure out regarding what will be appropriate. Like....I am thinking that sometimes crossing at other's homes should be ok. I would like to be able to do so because of our kids. (though it might be hard on me.) I want to address things openly. However, I can totally see that it can become simply a battle. I don't like to battle. That's why I have to get "set". I have to put my priorities in my heart and mind. That way, when we deal with the issues, I will already know what is really important to me and what is not.
Go. There is going to come a time when I am finally set and it's time to move. No race would be very exciting if the participants only got ready and set.....it's the GO that is exciting. The go is what shows what has gone on in the heart and mind beforehand. It is the whole point. And I am drawing nearer to that point. I know that there will be a time when God will speak. When I will know. Just as He let me know what I could do this last Sunday and how to do it and where to do it....the timing will be perfect. And I will be able. I don't plan on staying at the starting line. I also don't plan on "jumping the gun." I plan on being wise. Being as prepared as I can be in every aspect possible. I don't think that I can get totally emotionally strong....but, strong enough for the next step. For taking off from the starting line.
I'll face the hurdles when the time comes....for now, I'm just focusing on getting set in a good position so that I can take off and do my best.
grace to you.
I told him that it's sad that he doesn't even know me well enough to see that I was disappearing. That I was ceasing to be who I was...and am. He cares who I am in relation to how it affects him. I have spent way too many years living with someone who simply has no interest in me....only in me as I pertain to him.
So, it took me a long time to get ready to face the real truth.
And now, it's taking me some time to get "set". I have to be wise. I have kids to consider. Their lives. Their activities. How they relate to their father. The needs they have. I have money to consider. I need to make a budget. I need to see what it will take to make two households work. If he is moving out then there needs to be enough for a deposit and first month's rent. That's simply realistic. Not like he's going to live on the street. There's all of the "stuff" to deal with. Who will take what? There's a lot to figure out regarding what will be appropriate. Like....I am thinking that sometimes crossing at other's homes should be ok. I would like to be able to do so because of our kids. (though it might be hard on me.) I want to address things openly. However, I can totally see that it can become simply a battle. I don't like to battle. That's why I have to get "set". I have to put my priorities in my heart and mind. That way, when we deal with the issues, I will already know what is really important to me and what is not.
Go. There is going to come a time when I am finally set and it's time to move. No race would be very exciting if the participants only got ready and set.....it's the GO that is exciting. The go is what shows what has gone on in the heart and mind beforehand. It is the whole point. And I am drawing nearer to that point. I know that there will be a time when God will speak. When I will know. Just as He let me know what I could do this last Sunday and how to do it and where to do it....the timing will be perfect. And I will be able. I don't plan on staying at the starting line. I also don't plan on "jumping the gun." I plan on being wise. Being as prepared as I can be in every aspect possible. I don't think that I can get totally emotionally strong....but, strong enough for the next step. For taking off from the starting line.
I'll face the hurdles when the time comes....for now, I'm just focusing on getting set in a good position so that I can take off and do my best.
grace to you.
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