I found the Safe Shelter today....not an easy task, actually. Then, I took a very deep breath and said a prayer and walked in the front door....and nobody was there. And the inside door was a keypad. Locked. Had a doorbell. But, looking in the window, nobody was there. So, feeling more down than I imagined I could...I walked to my car. Downcast. Heart heavy.
But, I googled the number and called them. I could barely speak. Literally. Eventually I said something that perhaps made sense...and she recommended a book to read. And made me a counseling appointment. Giving my last name was hard. So many people know it because of what my husband does in the community. That was tough. But....done. I'm not very good at saying what exactly the problem is. A million little things? Nothing? I don't understand how it is that life could be so completely not what I expected. But it is. And I must get through it.
My personality does not do this very well. I told the woman at the Safe Shelter that I would be better at writing it.....
Now I want to crash somewhere else tonight. But I guess that I'll have to wait for a few weeks until I go to Oregon. Somehow I have to suck this up and not hurt others around me. But I'm kinda a mess right now. Need blankies. Need tlc. Instead gotta get ready for when he'll arrive home. I've done nothing around the house today. Have so much on my mind that I want to do. I did almost take down his bed. I just don't want to cause our home to be more of a battle ground. I don't want to injure my sweet kids. I'm just so tired. So sad. So....feeling stupid. And all the while, knowing that I'm not. Knowing that it will pass. That I have to walk through this. It's a part of the journey, but it's not forever. I got online and found the forms. Didn't print them here at home. Didn't want my kids to see. Thought that I should tell them first. Off on Monday. Have counseling appt. on Monday.
I am courageous. Even if I feel like jell-o today. I am kind. Even if it feels like I'm being mean to him. I am full of hope. Even if I feel like a hopeless case today. They are just feelings I know. I just need help. I just need someone to stand here with me. I'm tired.
grace to you.
grace to you.
But, I googled the number and called them. I could barely speak. Literally. Eventually I said something that perhaps made sense...and she recommended a book to read. And made me a counseling appointment. Giving my last name was hard. So many people know it because of what my husband does in the community. That was tough. But....done. I'm not very good at saying what exactly the problem is. A million little things? Nothing? I don't understand how it is that life could be so completely not what I expected. But it is. And I must get through it.
My personality does not do this very well. I told the woman at the Safe Shelter that I would be better at writing it.....
Now I want to crash somewhere else tonight. But I guess that I'll have to wait for a few weeks until I go to Oregon. Somehow I have to suck this up and not hurt others around me. But I'm kinda a mess right now. Need blankies. Need tlc. Instead gotta get ready for when he'll arrive home. I've done nothing around the house today. Have so much on my mind that I want to do. I did almost take down his bed. I just don't want to cause our home to be more of a battle ground. I don't want to injure my sweet kids. I'm just so tired. So sad. So....feeling stupid. And all the while, knowing that I'm not. Knowing that it will pass. That I have to walk through this. It's a part of the journey, but it's not forever. I got online and found the forms. Didn't print them here at home. Didn't want my kids to see. Thought that I should tell them first. Off on Monday. Have counseling appt. on Monday.
I am courageous. Even if I feel like jell-o today. I am kind. Even if it feels like I'm being mean to him. I am full of hope. Even if I feel like a hopeless case today. They are just feelings I know. I just need help. I just need someone to stand here with me. I'm tired.
grace to you.
grace to you.
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