Moving On

I realized that I focus more on my life and aspects of growing and moving forward than on my ex now.  Yea!! That is progress.  I know that healing and living a whole life is not about how I was wronged at any point in my life.  It is about how I take what God is continuing to do and keep moving on in that.
Life lately has had some harsh realities.  But has had even more blessings than I know how to share.  I work.  At a job that is good for me.  That is huge.  I have a home.  That is warm.  I get to turn up the heat and stay warm now...I used to have to freeze in my house....even when I was wearing layers I was cold.  I can sleep.  The nightmares are abating.  Very rare now.  And, the daytime fears and traumas that send me under the covers are lessening slowly too.  And though this blood clot thing has really thrown me....other aspects of my health are good as I eat better and have a better routine of sleep and work.  Money wise, this month I have more than five dollars left at the end of the month.  The previous months I was down to less than a dollar....AND this month, I even have a few dollars left in my pocket and have change in my piggy bank.  I have enough...and I am learning again how much of a blessing it is to let God take care of me.  To not buy into the world's view that I have to do so myself.  That God's idea of an investment and the world's are not exactly the same.  And that the best way to spend money is different for each person.  Thoughtfully.  Prayerfully.  Thankfully.  With the knowledge that the money is just passing though our hands as a means of God to grow us, meet our needs and the needs of others.  It's not magic.  It's not security.  It's just a thing.  Something to share. With kindness and grace.  Like our love.  Our time.  Our lives.  God gives all.  I am learning how to stand.  To be strong.  Even when there's nobody around to cheer me on.  I'm learning that God knows how to meet my needs even when that empty spot causes me pain.  And I'm learning that pain is just a part of healing.  Whether it's physical or emotional.  It just has to hurt sometimes.  I'm learning that I'm vulnerable.  Tonight I saw a call on my phone and thought that I'd missed a call from someone when I was bathing.  I was practically giddy.  I know...pathetic, right?  But the saddest part was how I realized it was an old call.....just was on a different menu.  And....I was embarrassed, sitting there all by myself, that I had been momentarily jolted to excitement by the fact that there had been a call.  Pretty sad, I guess.  But I have to say that it's not like it was.  I am better about it.  Slowly, I am finding my way to be able to release people from my dependence.  I am learning about being inter-dependent....and I am learning that it is how I really function best, but that most people don't feel comfortable there.  Most of the world seems to vacillate from dependent to independent but never interdependent.  I can stand on my own...but I don't need to.  I have nothing to prove.
Mostly, the biggest thing, the overwhelming gift....has been grace....and freedom.  the grace God gave to free me of the painful, draining, unkind and debilitating part of my life.  And while some don't understand.  And even more, can't possibly agree....I know.  It is my testimony.  I have been freed.  Because He is gracious to me.
I am moving on.  Walking forward.  Learning as I go.  New ground.  Untraveled.  Scary.  And yet, exciting too.  Overcoming fear.  Finding my voice.  My purpose.  In this time and place.
Never alone.  Though....being my tactile self, sometimes I long for those with skin on.  I will nonetheless keep walking.  Keep finding joy.  Keep choosing peace.  I am choosing a new life.  It is much like......being reborn.
blessings.

how many days?

today i looked at my phone.  i had received no calls in over two days.  and i haven't made any in awhile either.  am i trying to be more like other people?  perhaps.  i suddenly get that they don't have that sense of needing to touch base.  i am rather tactile. and i guess that i am emotionally tactile too.  i need to touch base. a quick update.  a "how are you?" to a friend.  i like it.  i'm like the pooh and piglet quote "i'm just being sure of you."  it's not that i feel insecure.  i just find it comforting.  i find it a solace.  it bolsters my courage.  it's kind of like talking with god.  it isn't about how much or the fact that i'm needy...it just makes me a better person to stay connected.  so, that is what i do.  with him.  and what i like to do with others.  until i realized that perhaps that is weird to others.  inconsiderate.  calling for no "reason".  stopping by.  nobody else just stops by or calls just because.  hmmm.  i think that i have been very very slow in getting a clue.
my phone will ring eventually.  but i can guarantee that the call will have a purpose.  i am learning how to be more that way.  and...how not to manufacture a purpose in order to meet my internal desire for the comfort.  to be honest with myself.  to let go.  it has been really hard for me.  in the midst of so much other stuff.  and yet...strangely....i guess that it's good.  because i am learning that i'll be ok and i can be more as other people are adn in doing that, perhaps they will feel more comfortable.  less........put upon.  because i don't want people to connect or be there because i am needy.  i want it to be a mutual friendship.  i want it to be interest and a desire to connect.  not because anyone is needy but because that is what relationships do....they nurture.  they RELATE.  in time.  some day.  but for now, i wait.  i long.  i hope.  i pray.  but i learn that i am ok.  i really am ok.  amazed at how ok i am.  even when i'm a mess.
blessings.

wish i could post this on my forehead.  wish i could make people see a little bit of the something more. but, i will just enjoy remembering it for myself.  there is more.  just because others don't see doesn't make it less true.

Living in Truth

I was avoiding my exes stuff about my son's birthday a couple of weekends ago.  But, I felt compelled to tell my son that I was sorry that his dad hadn't given him a birthday gift and that he had sent his card via his brother.  He said, "yea, and he took my brother out for Chinese on my birthday.  But my brother did invite me on his way out...that was nice of him."  He was hurt but not horribly.  He's ok.  That's a good thing.  But, he did notice.  I'm glad that I addressed it.  Also talked about his trip.  He is fairly confident that he won't get grilled because they will want him to come visit again.  I hope so.  I want it to be a lovely Christmas for the kids.  I would sure hate to give up time with them and have it be less than wonderful.
Living in truth.  Not in what we are pretending.  Not in what we wish was.  Truth.  Pure and simple.  It's a hard time.  Yep.  That's right.  And we will make it through.  It's true.  Yep.  It is.
blessings.

Peace

from the facebook page "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me."
there is peace in knowing that he is for me.  that he can be for me AND be for my ex.  for our good.  each.  not just together.  individually.
i am finding peace.  a piece at a time.  like picking up stones on the beach...finding the lovely, the important, the ones that "speak" to me.  i have to travel along.  i have to find what peace looks like.  true peace.  true hope.  not faking it.  not manufacturing it.  living it.  from inside out.
i struggle with my value.  it doesn't feel like i used to so much.  some maybe.  as most do.  yet, now, i have trouble understanding to whom i have value.  i have trouble seeing what is valuable in me.  but i keep believing in the One who made me.  he is pleased with me.  he cared for me.  he provides.  he blesses.  he hears.  he speaks.  he finds me to be wonderful.  he MADE me.  and he is MAKING me.
i can rest in that.
i do have friends.  that is good.  a blessing.  makes me happy.  though i struggle with the idea that i need to not be too needy.  that i need to carry my share.  last night, a dear friend spent time and talked and i loved it and relaxed and felt so blessed....until later when i remembered that she had said that she was intending to watch a tv show that went on during our time together.  and i realized that i was rather rude.  i was so thankful to be talked to and heard that i let it go on for too long.  but, the fact that she let me...that she was so kind to me...it was healing to me.  yet...i struggled with it.
god loves you.  in so many tangible ways.  he will meet you right where you are and how you are.  today.  be assured....there's nothing you can do to make him love you more...or less.  his love for you just is.
blessings.

Yes, it happened

I was driving in my car.  Not feeling that great, but praying and just talking with God about life and His plans.  Then, I moved along to crafting a letter in my wee brain to my ex about what abuse can look like....what it did look like in our lives.  Imagine my surprise as I pulled up in the lane next to him.  Yep.  It happened.  I hate that.  But I noticed quickly enough that I stayed in his "blind" spot.  I wasn't up to waving and making cheery right then.  And there it is.  The start of this fine morning.  Awkward.
blessings.

Something Good

Totally unexpected.Without a plan.  Tonight someone asked me about my Christmas.  Talked to me.  Encouraged me somehow to talk.  It's hard for me...because it is difficult to begin and then have to slam the door closed again.  But, tonight, it was such a blessing.  Such a salve to my aching heart.  To be at least heard and perhaps even understood.  To be seen.  To have the gaping hole of my soul bandaged and soothed by the compassion of another.  It matters.  I need it.  I really needed it this week.  And it was good.  It helped.  I could talk for hours.  There's so much in there.  But, what I got was exactly enough.  Perfect.  And really...I had no idea it was coming.  As a matter of fact, I was harumphing at my daughter that I had to get out of the car and wait so that I could drive her around the block.  But God knew my need.  Again.  Always.  And even in the hard things, He makes it possible to make it.
I nearly lost it though...the whole Christmas thing.  I think that I won't really let myself completely lose it until they are gone.  Because....in a deep part....I sense...that when I do....I won't be able to rein it back in.  It's too painful.  What he did was so wrong and plain mean.  Hurtful.  And yet, I know this really cool thing...I responded as I CHOSE.  I made the plan so that all of the kids could be together.  I might not get the Christmas that I dream of, but I will get the desire of my heart for my kids.  This year, I can't have both.  I choose them.  I've had lots of great ones with them.  I can manage this.  Though I am not diminishing the fact that it is HUGE!
But something good happened tonight.  For me.  I was blessed by love acted out in the form of time spent.  Of listening ears.  Of words of compassion.
It has only been five months.  I need to be kind to me.
blessings.

Growing Pains

I am learning how to walk again. Fall down and get up.  I am learning that God's loving arms are there and that He keeps encouraging me to get up again.  A parent who doesn't give up.  Who doesn't look at me like I'm a failure, but rather with compassion and love.  I am having growing pains.  I have to learn to take my own responsibility.  But there are days that I just want to scream out how unfair it is.  Really.  I do.  Immature?  Sure.  But that's where I am.  

Growing.  Learning to face all of the stuff.  Call it what it is.  And yet....be responsible too.  That's hard.  I want to blame his sorry self.  What a jerk he has been.  Ok, enough whining.  Just needed to get it out a little bit.

grace to you.

Looking for trips

I began again today looking for where to go over Christmas.  I know that I will be alone.  I guess that I should not have anyone else feeling badly about that.  So...perhaps if I go do something fun it will make everyone feel better.  Including me.  Maybe?  Maybe not.  I am not really sure. But I don't want to wait until the last minute and find out that it's miserable knowing that I am not a part of anything.  That being invited would not be out of "we can't imagine our Christmas without you," but rather, "how sad that you are all alone."  I want to be more than that.  Too long I spent trying to be satisfied with the remnants.  With feeling like I must not deserve it if he was not giving it.  I don't want to leave myself there.  But I spent so many years training people that it was ok.  Making the world ok for everyone.  I indeed became invisible.
But, I don't have to remain that way.  Not at all.  Just have to allow change to take place in me.  And allow those who wish to stay and those who don't to go.  And one day, I will get phone calls....just because someone wants to talk to me.  Because....they like my presence.  One day.  It will happen again.  I used to be there.  Those many years ago.  I don't want what I had.  I want what there is for me in the future.  Looking forward to it.
So...looking for what I should do.  No family makes it an interesting concept.  A tad painful.  But I guess I just need to get used to it.
blessings.

Final Hours

Here I am at the end of the holiday week.  It was wonderful really.  I felt good to get to be at home with my kids.  It was mellow...except for those parties. ;)
I am worried about the pain traveling up my arm now.  Not sure what to do.  Not sure why it just makes me feel so stupid.  I get tired of having to push.  I am not good at it.  Too hard.  So...somehow, God is going to have to make clear to me what to do.  I mean, I don't exactly have enough money to just keep going back to the e.r.  And...I don't really know what to say.  "Hey, I have a question and my doctor never would call me back."
Getting back to being healthier will be good for me.  More tea.  More water.  More good food....less fats.  Man, I've packed it in for three days.
My son went to a meeting last night.  Says he'll go tonight.  Some of the people smoked weed during break.  I hope that it disgusts him.  Opens his eyes.  He's smart.  God has a plan for him.  The push was hard.  His wife seems thankful.  I just hope he keeps it up.  It's easiest to start.  Hardest to follow through.
I've had to come to grips with the "I'll pray for you" attitude that I run into.  Not "what do you need?"  Not "how are you doing?"  Not "wow, it must have been bad to have you make this decision."  Nope.  Just "I'll pray for you."  And silence.  Wow.  Why does that feel like using God?  Probably because the time that my husband seemed interested in talking about what God wanted was when I said that I was done.  When I told him that I wanted a divorce.  That was years ago.  He told me that it wasn't "allowed".  It was "sinful".  He sings praises.  He works with kids.  But, for me, his actions are just a clanging cymbal.  There is not love.  It's just....busyness.  For the sake of being good or being better or competing.  So...it stands to reason that those who are using God as the way to bow out of my life hurt me.  But, I have to let it go.  They are doing what they need to do for now.
But, it has been quite a week.  Got my boy his permit.  But, taking him out is hard for me to fathom.  He deserves it, but his dad is set on teaching him.  Now, won't that just create another break for he and his brother?  He had plans with his dad today to play a game...instead they went to a restaurant and watched a football game.  I wonder how long he will hang on doing what his dad wants.
I worked hard around the house earlier this week...parties and clean ups.  Laundry.  The regular stuff.
And I'm in my final hours thinking...was I invited to anything?  Did I just invite myself?  I'm going to learn to not invite myself.  Being alone has got to be better than just feeling like you are not invited.  It's that whole intruding thing.  Feeling like I'm pushing myself on people.  Not interested anymore.
Then...there's that whole boy going to TX thing that I worked out.  Now, his sister is writing he AND I regarding the son's travel plans.  Making it a big deal to arrange pickups and such.  Quite easy....really, it is.  Yes, we'll send someone.  She could respect that I wrote her for a reason.  My son wasn't making his arrangements around his dad.  Guess she doesn't get that.  Hope they don't try to push him.  After last summer, he said he wasn't going back.  They need to let him take as long as it takes.  Otherwise, he won't be going anymore.
And yet, with all of the hard things this week....I am doing well.  Recovering.  Healing.
I am going to make it.
blessings.

Dear Therapist,

You know, I get why people want me to see someone.  I get why it would be easier for them.  Because what I'm asking in life is very difficult.  I'm asking to get what I want to give.  People to walk with and through the stuff...all of the stuff.  I look back in Jesus' age and I think....no therapists.  Rabbis.  Priests.  Prostitutes. They paid for sex, but you don't hear them paying someone to listen to them.  Not that I don't think that it can help.  I do.  It's just that having to pay makes it much like a prostitute...it satisfies a need, a primal need...but it isn't filling.  It doesn't satisfy the need of intimacy....of connection...of relationship.  What I am looking for is not just a place to dump my stuff.  I could do that anywhere.  I could pay you to listen.  To nod.  To take notes.  To maybe even give advice.  But I can't pay you for what I really need.  And so, while being with you would relieve some tension, it would not ultimately satisfy my longing and desire to see the body of Christ at work.  Confessing to one another.  Praying with one another.  Working together.  Serving one another.  Using our gifts for the building up of the body.
I am willing to give myself to my friends.  To people in my life.  To relate.  To carry their burdens.  To share their joys.  To divide their sorrows.  And I have to learn that there are people willing and ready to do that for me too.  Without me giving them a thing.  Simply because they choose to.  To walk with me.
Oh, some days, I'd give you all I have to sit with me in a quiet room and have uninterrupted time with someone...anyone.  Since shortly after college...funny, since I've been married...I've not really had that kind of time.  Time for me.  To be heard.  To be seen.  It's as if there is always something that is so important.  Someone that is more needy.  So, I put off what I need.  Over and over again.  Until I have come to a place that it is hard for me to even begin.  There were moments in there though...moments when I was invited out to share.  It's not that i don't trust...it's that most people don't have the desire to really hear.
Today though, I could have used someone like you.  My one son is an addict.  He has to go to NA.  He doesn't want to.  Obviously.  He can do it on his own.  He'll go when he feels better.  But, you see, he was put on pain killers for his back and he proudly got himself back off of them.  But still on weed every day.  He has lost his job.  Not over drugs.  But, my thought?  How will he get another when most places drug test?  Not only that, he despises himself for his duplicity.  It is eating away at him.  Marijuana is cheaper than cigarettes because people give it to him.  His family suffers when he withdraws.  Somehow, he needs to go in the door of NA tonight.  He promised me he would go yesterday.  He didn't...has the shakes and all from going 36 hours without a joint.  He isn't going to be very nice.  I wondered if my daughter in law and grandsons should go to stay with her parents.  Maybe so.  He needs to get better.  I've asked him for a commitment to 90 meetings in 90 days.  He was really pissed off with me today for following through...but he asked me what to do and then he gave me his word.  I know that meetings won't fix it.  But I know that it will let him lean on some others instead of my daughter in law.
To my credit, I did ask someone to go out today.  I wanted to talk.  I didn't follow through with the words that I was needing it.  Everyone is busy.  It's the holiday season.  That's only going to get worse.  And I don't know how it's supposed to work when I have a need and they have a different need.  I am getting the idea that it shouldn't always be me that gives.  I will have to figure it out.  Because sometimes I need people to show up.  For me.  Just because.  Instead, I try asking less and less.  Rejection is hard for me at this stage.  I know why, my dear therapist.  Yes, I was married to the guy who couldn't sit still for ten minutes just to be with me.  To talk to me.  Only for sex.  I understand that the way he used sex and the way he didn't take the time warped my sense of value.  And sometimes I wonder about my value.  I don't feel that valuable to anyone.  Well, my dog adores me.  Others like me well enough.  But truthfully there really isn't anyone that wakes up and is just thankful that I am.  That's a little sad....but a reality for most, I imagine.  Maybe not my dream from childhood, but it is what is true.
And I wonder why it is that I have no interest in remarrying.  Not even in dating.  Sex might be nice.  Ha.  I've never had sex when not married and I'm not planning on starting now.  Kind of like the thing with the therapist....without the interpersonal part, it doesn't meet my need.  But, what is it?  I think that it is the fact that I gave the best I had.  I prayed to be and grow and love fully.  I really wanted to make it work.  I didn't take it lightly.  But, it wasn't working.  Not at all.  It was a facade that made other people feel good.  But, it wasn't real.  And, I don't know how to be sure that it's real if I were to go for it again.  I married the super charming guy.  He is a church icon.  He'll probably be a deacon at some point after the stigma of the divorce dies down.  And I wake up every day simply grateful that he's not here.  That I don't have to walk in that world anymore.  It was horrid.  And yet....another family member has pushed aside what happened to me...is "praying for me" while being silent to me.  Not wanting to know what it is that could have pushed me here.  Not caring.
I don't know how to answer people who are like that.  But, since they don't contact me after saying that they will be praying...I guess no answer is necessary.  I don't want to go into what a jerk he is.  How false.  How he doesn't live a life that helps those he supposedly cares about.  How he only lives to please himself...yes, pun intended.
My dear therapist, I would be happy to see you for so many people.  But if I came to you, it would take away the small remains of my self worth.  It would mean finally giving up on my greatest hope.  The hope that God will continue to provide in every way....including relationships.  Once I have to pay you to be kind to me.  To listen to me.  To spend time with me.  Once that happens, I will know with finality that I have no one.  And I don't think that I can bear that.  So much has already been put upon me.  A depressed son.  A daughter that needs love and guidance...and needs a father's love.  A son with attention needs.  A son that is an addict.  A job that demands hours and hours.  All of these things I carry and pray for.  Take care of one at a time, moment by moment.  But there is this line...this thing that I can't give up on in my very soul.  I can't give up on the idea that it can work to be part of the Body.  That there is strength there.  That there is everything to meet our needs.  And though the church I have attended hasn't once reached out to meet any need (even to offer to pay you for me. :)), I still believe.  I understand how they feel.  I know how easily he deceives.  He seems so.......good.  So, I can't judge them there time of grief and of judgement towards me.  I knew that it would have to be that way.  I can only hope that those who know me best will see me.  Will reach out.  Will care.  Even though it costs them.  And I know that it will.  So, I can't ask....though some days, I want to get on my knees and beg to be be seen and heard and understood.  To be cared for.  To be hugged and comforted.  That's not something you can ask for.  It's something that has to be offered.  And...I can't buy it either.  Though there are those moments when I wish I was sitting in your office.  A safe place. Somewhere in time when it is MY time....no disruption...nobody else more important...no phone...no game...no kid....no anything.  But in my mind I would know that it was also a facade.  That you really have nothing invested in me.  That you don't like me or not like me.  You don't listen because you love. It's just your job.And there's the rub...he viewed it as his job and duty to take care of us...of me. He showed up.  He did what he was supposed to do.  He did the motions.  And my spirit died.  I was crushed.  Hearing, "I'm praying to be able to love you, " just about did me in.  So, I guess it would just remind me of the fact that I am not worth it to anyone if your office is the only place that I can speak and maybe get a hug.
And I'm just not willing yet.  Though it would make others feel better.  Less like they had responsibility.  It would destroy me right now.  And I don't know how to be clear with them without hurting them.  I can't because it would mean breaking me.  Finally and completely admitting that there is nobody around that cares enough to hear.  To see.  To pray.  To hold.  And I just can't believe that yet.  And I fear a day that I do.
But, I do appreciate all you do for so many.  I do see your work.  I don't feel it a waste.  I see the help you give people I know.  It's just that....the whole basis of my pain is relational.  It deals with value.  With being conditioned that if I don't "pay".....with sex when I was married....then I'm not worth being with.  And I need to get past that.  Somehow, I need to walk through it and find out if I am worth it to others.  I'm sure that I'll cry a good bit.  And mourn.  And scream.  And laugh at myself.  But, in the end, I plan on coming out whole and complete.  With relationships forged in the hard times.  Somehow.
Thanks though.  Keep up what you do best for so many.  I am thankful.  I see the purpose.  Your purpose.  It's noble. And kind.
Grace to you.

laze haze

today is a haze of lazy.  really.  all of us are screened out and getting up only to take care of basic necessities.  nobody has really gotten dressed.  my daughter did finally get in the shower.  it is a completely lazy, unplanned day.
we are all so very happy.
relaxed.
no push.
no guilt
deeeeep breath.  this is a part of life that i need.
even when there is stuff to get done.  especially when there has been a lot to get done.
i am blessed.

What if

What if Thanksgiving became a lifestyle?
People would post every day the things and people they are thankful for.  They would allow people in front of them in line at the grocery store....I actually saw this happen TWICE the afternoon before Thanksgiving....I have NOT seen it during the Christmas season.
What if?
Family and friends would gather regularly, sharing food, laughter, hopes, silliness, stresses....just being together....being family...working together to create a meal just because they love being together.
What if Thanksgiving became a lifestyle?
Singles would feel less lonely as they would be absorbed into the family....the TRUE family.....God's family.  Widows.  Orphans.  Divorced. Abandoned.  Apart.  But not alone.
What if?
Social media would be such a nicer place to be.  No cutting, snide remarks about people's religious nor political beliefs.....rather, giving thanks for the freedom to differ, to have our own thoughts and beliefs.
What if Thanksgiving became a lifestyle?
We'd probably eat too much.  Worry less.  Laugh more.  Play more.
What if?
What if I let Thanksgiving become my lifestyle?
It will change me from the inside out.
In all things give thanks.  For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Not FOR all things.  But IN all things.  ALL.  Period.  HIS will.  For me.  Not too much to ask....considering He gave JESUS....redemption, hope, peace, a way up.
What if?
Really, what if?
Isn't it a marvelous dream?
blessings.

a husband to me

today i wanted to say how thankful i am for god being a husband to me.  every need.  even the plumbing...really.  that dishwasher did work.  it did work after it wasn't.  he gave me insight and good ideas.  god took care of me..and while it wasn't working, he gave me peace that even if it didn't work, the day would still be fine.
it was a long day for my body.  but beautiful for my heart.  to see my kids.  to see my son.  come out. be with.
i did the hard things.  i prayed at the table.  i wanted to pass it off.....awkward.  but i did it.
i was brave.
nobody else probably even knew.  knew that i had to give all i had today.  nobody else was aware of how thankful i was for a god who would be as a husband to me.
i am not outgoing.  doing this is big.  i love being hospitable.  love people having a place.  but, i am not an entertainer by any means.
i hope that it was a good day for people.  that their heart needs were met.  and food needs. ;)
it was big for me.  knowing that god will meet me in such a wondrous way.  twas good.
blessings.

Thankful

I am thankful.  For so many things.  Most of which are not things at all.  I am thankful that God is and has been a husband to me.  I prayed over my dishwasher this morning after I got the control panel damp and now it doesn't want to run.  Go figure.  But....I am not stressed by it.  It will all be just fine. No problem whatsoever.  Because somehow, peace entered my heart when I entered this new stage of my life.  And though I struggle deeply and greatly....at the core, there is a deep and resounding peace.
I am thankful that I have heat.  And lights.  That I have kids that laugh.  I am thankful for thinking.  For food.  For clothes.  For pictures.  I am thankful for hope.  For joy.  For laughter.  For silliness.  I am thankful for depth and sharing.  I am thankful.  Not just with this list.  But in the center of my very being.  I AM thankful....not, I am acting thankful.  This is a new time of life.
And...I just nearly invited the ex.  Just couldn't yet.  But one day, I will be free.  Truly free.
blessings.

Gonna Make It

Had a little meltdown today.  Something about that kid not getting to come home.  Not being able to get up and work as I want.  It was all.....soooo much.  But really, it's not.  All is well.  We will figure it all out.  In time.  A little at a time.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for many reasons...but one is that it's laid back enough to simply just have time to enjoy it.  Plan for it...but then, just enjoy it.  I'm going to do just that.  Stop.  Be thankful for real.  Be thankful for joy.  Be present.  Trying.  So hard.  Too hard.  Instead.  Being.  Still.  Peaceful.  Breathing.  Choosing life.  Choosing this moment.  And the next.  One at a time.
I'm gonna make it.  Not because I'm a rock star but because I know the One who carries me.  I know what and who is important.  I am aware.  I am hurting.  I am not destroyed.
One day I will remember that I am gifted.  Until then, I will just revel in the fact that I am accepted.  I am cared for.
It has been a stinking hard day.  Best to get it out of the way.....so I can enjoy TOMORROW!!!!
That's the thing....I just keep hoping.  Day to day.
blessings.

The Struggle

letting go of my children comes slowly.  dealing with an addict.  dealing with the fact that one son has to spend the holidays not being loved on.  it's a hard day because of these things.  facing that i was married to someone who really wrote the words, "i'm going to see if two of the boys want to do something with me tonight," in response to my email that i planned on having thanksgiving all day with them.  two.  three are at home.  he was only talking about one of them.  and then the one that lives on his own.
not my daughter.  not the son that he doesn't speak to.  it is....disheartening.  truly.  a good reminder of why i don't long to be married to him.  but...it hurts me for my children.
and the addict?  he's in need of help.  desperately.  before he loses everything.  before he loses himself. and all i can do is love him.  and tell him to get his ass to n.a.  pronto.  he promised to go on friday.  we'll see.  i won't hate him.  i won't even be disappointed in him.  i will pray.  i will have the sense to be afraid for him.  for his marriage.  i spoke bluntly.  wore me out.  he didn't leave.  he knows.  he needs help.
it has been a difficult day.
i also am dealing with one son having no place to be on thanksgiving.  it makes me ache.  deeply.  tearfully.  i'm his mama and i won't know that he's having a good meal or even with people who care about him.  and it was hard because of how it happened.  sometimes i realize that the fact that hospitality is important to me doesn't mean that others understand it.  including.  bringing others in.  loving on them.  it is important to me.  desperately.  not leaving people without connection.  my family is a hodge podge of people that have collected together.  not just people that belong to the same gene pool.  i love my family.  this group of crazies that gets together with all of their issues and all of their pains.  they laugh.  they eat.  they show up.  it's good.
i've been stressed today.  not good for the blood clot/blood pressure.  probably did too much the last two days because it really hurts today.  my kids told me to go to bed....basically.  to rest.  i'm grumpy. i have things to do and don't know how to get them done and lay down.  but then i remember....it always gets done.  the whole point in my world is not doing perfectly or to gain praise.  but to do it out of love.  out of a sense of family.  so i'm going to rest.  tomorrow we'll whip up rolls.  we'll get it together.  it'll work fine.  i have people bringing more things than i can imagine.  it's going to be AWESOME!!  food.  friends.  family.  candles.  rest.  games.  food.  love.  yes, i know i said food twice.  
i will get past this feeling awful time.  i know i will.  but i think that i need to just give myself some time off first.  i put too much emotional stuff on the burners today.  gotta just spend time praying.  maybe vegging.  letting my heart feel better.
it is my first big holiday.  bound to be an adjustment.  in a good way too.
off to.......oh wait, not going anywhere, just gonna keep the heat on my let and lay here like a lump.  sounds good, doesn't it? ;)

the count is 22

earlier this month i thought that my three kids and i would be spending our first unmarried thanksgiving alone.  i thought that we would make it through.  that somehow, we would do it and do it well.  but i saw their faces.  the disappointment.  i heard how they were surprised that it would be us.  well...as of last week, that changed to being about 10.  then, as the week as progressed....22 for tomorrow.  get me six more and i'll be up to "normal" numbers.  wow.  and people that will be fun and easy going for my sweet, recovering family.  that's the thing....we can't just go anywhere or have anyone.  we really need tlc.  we need comfort.  and comfortable.  we need peacefulness.
i'm having it in a different room than usual.  creating a new space.  going to try to not work around old memories.  some of them are very painful.  a lot of "those" talks...those fights while people are coming or already here occurred on these kind of big days.  but....i'm ok.  because i don't have to have that this year.  i don't have to worry.  i don't have to be pressured nor troubled by someone that felt that i didn't do it well enough.  nope.  don't have to.  not gonna be.  my mind knows it...my heart is still trying to catch up to understand that there can be peace.
i am excited.  thrilled.  anticipating.  nervous.  exhilarated.  afraid.  thankful.  joyous.  fearful.  all wrapped up in one.  this is our first big holiday on our own.  and god....in his kindness and all knowingness.....didn't leave us on our own.
thank you god.

family

tis the season of being thankful.  of being joyful.  of family.  tis the season to remember the blessing that have been given.  to focus upon what is had.  i am thankful for family.  oh, i get completely wrecked sometimes when i wish or cry out for MY family.  for my mama.  and i still wish that she could have been a part of my life.  not that it would make it all ok.  not that she would necessarily have understood nor supported.  it's hard to know about that.  but because with our mama, we are allowed to assume that they SHOULD support.  and my mama did love me.  so, it follows that she would have been here loving me even now.
but in this season of family, of thankfulness, i have to say that i am abundantly thankful.  i have a god given family.  not all by blood nor even marriage.  mostly...by god's church.  his family that he shares with me.  his children, my cousins and brothers and sisters.  my aunts and uncles.  i look around in my life at the amount of wonderful people that i get to walk along with in life.  at the people that i will share thanksgiving day with.  i am truly blessed.
my heavenly father knows my heart.  he knows the hearts of others.  he fits us together and gives us family.  gives us hope.  gives us others to laugh and cry with.  he gives us people to be real with.  to hear and see.  to connect.  he meets so many needs.  every need.  not just for stuff or for money.  but for our hearts.  he is good.  always.  every day.  i am thankful for his goodness.
i am thankful for those spontaneous moments when i make a decision to do something and find that it was god's plan all along.  that whisper in the ear.  that idea.  it happened this week.  one of those life changing moments that i didn't recognize until i said the words, "would you like to come?"  those simple words brought life and hope to another's countenance.  it was beautiful.
i read a young person's post this week that declared that he was giving back his salvation.  that he doesn't believe anymore.  and i was not offended by his youthful boastings.  i was moved to remember his gift for declaring the lord.  i was moved to thankfulness that though things look difficult...this is just  a moment.  god indeed did save him.  for a purpose.  and in that purpose, he didn't declare that it would all be smooth and easy....only that he would be there.  so, i'm busily picturing god there.  in the midst of the rebellion.  loving.  working out his plan.  not bullying.  rather, letting the young man be real.
i am thankful for real.  i spent too long in a pretend real. false reality is crazy making.  living with my ex was a difficulty because how things looked were what was important.  i don't want the looks.  i want the real thing.  true peace.  kids that are growing and learning and NOT perfect.  learning to be loved by god....and by me...just where they are..how they are.
i have a family.  we are a motley crew.  people just resting in grace.  don't have it together.  facing each day with as much courage as we have....or don't have.  calling whatever is...enough.  being brave enough to trust god for each of the little things.
i want a new tradition or two this year.  new family.  first new thanksgiving.  i'm praying on it.  i'll let you know.
blessings.

hospitality

i had company for the first time in awhile tonight.  a birthday party.  i think that it went well.  not for sure.  but hopefully people were comfortable.  it's a big week for company at our house.  really big.  our first thanksgiving without the ex.  and i was remembering last thanksgiving....and i'm thankful.  to be real.  to learn to relax and enjoy without having to be an extrovert.  though...maybe a little that i have to do. it was brave of me tonight.  i don't know why it felt so brave...but it did.
i want to be hospitable.  truly so. the kind in my heart and soul.  without the battles i had in the past.  I just want to see people relax and be comfortable.
i want to give my heart and live...i want to be full of hospitality.
blessings.

Prayed Over

Been a long time since I've been prayed over...had someone sit and pray for me.  Be thankful for me.  Tell God what I need. ;)  Like He doesn't know....but standing for me before Him.  It was a beautiful thing.  It happened today.  And the event itself brought me to a point of courage.  Of being able to share better with others.  A little bit at least.  I am getting there.
I have to tell my friends.  Tell them what is in my heart.  What is real.  What hurts.  Even if we then have to work it out.
So much to do but it has been a good day even if I got next to nothing done.
I like my life.  Though it is complex.  I like the hope there is.  I am blessed.  I am carried.  I am held dear.
I am more at peace now.  I am finding a sense of equilibirium.  Slowly.
blessings

Morning

I am enjoying being off work.  Though I love my job.  I love waking up in the morning and knowing that I can get things done, be with people AND still get to rest.
I relish the moments of time to think.  The quiet of the mornings.  The time to reflect.  Though I am often up late...it is with no fear.  Because I can rest later.  Or take a nap.  Or simply be tired.  It is so simple to be home.  In some ways.
But mornings that I go to my job...they are delightful as well.  Full of purpose.  Full of little lives.  They are days that are planned out.  That go by quickly.
Though I like to stay up late.  I don't do it when I'm going to work.  Well, not often.  Because my job takes every ounce of strength, creativity, alertness and humor that I have.  It's truly work.  Though it's fun.
But no matter what, what I love is how I get to have a mixture of kinds of days.  Those with going to work plans and those with rest and relax plans.  I think the biggest of blessing of all is not to always work and not to always be off of work.  It is to have work but also get time off.
So...teaching suits me.  Well.  Beautifully.
And in the morning, after being up until after two and arising before 7....it's nice to have time to be thankful for that.
blessings.

puzzles

Tonight, I worked on a puzzle.  Granted, it wasn't even my puzzle.  It was someone else's.  I worked on it alone.  The pieces felt pleasant to my touch.  I began where I always begin....working the edge...learning the parameters.  After I had all of the edge pieces but perhaps three, I began sorting pieces by color.  Let's just say that there is a LOT of black, blue, purple and pink.  Solid pieces.  The place found by shape alone.  I fit a few of those in too.  Patiently trying each one.  Looking for the ones that had unusual legs or nobs.  It was relaxing.  It reminded me so much of my grandpa.  We would spend evenings doing just this same thing.  He taught me to separate.  Then, we would even lay the pieces out in rows with their nobs going one direction and the legs the other.  We would separate the ones that had big chunky legs from those that had skinny legs.  It was a process.  I learned early on though that the process seemed time consuming but allowed much faster progress on the puzzle as a whole.  The organization allowed the mind to see what kind of piece was needed and go to the right area of the sorted pieces to look.  It narrowed the search from hundreds of pieces to a dozen or so.
I find life to be a lot like the puzzle.  Finding the edges, the rules, the important things that hold everything else together...the boundaries...it's a great first step.  And then organizing things into steps...that helps too.  I have so much growing to do.  So much learning.  But, if I take the time to sort out what is important and what steps should come first, then it will help me in the future.  It will help me fit the puzzle together.
Life is like a puzzle in another way too.  I have tried and tried to understand and see the whole picture of why things were so bad with my ex.  Why I never was enough.  Why he had a need to compete.  Why it never seemed to matter if I was hurt and the only time anything finally mattered was when it began to affect him.  When it made his life not look good to others.  Frankly, much like the puzzle pieces without the picture on the box...it's hard to sort out and make sense of.  But, by taking time and putting the pieces in order, maybe one day it will become more clear to me.
I enjoy puzzles.  I don't enjoy having my life be a wreck.  Pieces scattered.  I want to build it into the picture God intends.  I want to stop worrying about how the picture looks to others or whether I'm working fast enough or well enough.  I just want to enjoy the process.  Watching as it comes together.  Reveling in each accomplishment.
Puzzles and life pose a challenge.  Many challenges.  Not losing the pieces nor thinking that some pieces aren't important is paramount.  It doesn't seem to matter until the end.  Then, carelessness matters....a missing piece is horrible.  The whole picture doesn't get finished.  So, even if there are pieces of life that I don't understand or that hurt, I need not to rid myself of them....but rather wait to see how they fit into the picture.
I am full of hope.  Of joy.  I have a lot to give.  And a lot to learn.  One piece at a time....I want to build a beautiful life.  Even incorporating the hard pieces.  The dark pieces.
blessings.

A Fine Art

I have to develop a fine art that will make me a better christian woman.  I'm not exactly racking up christianwoman points in the world these days.  I hear it in voices, words and see it in faces.  The disappointment.  A good christian woman would have made it work.  Would have held it together.  Would be nicer.  Kinder.  Would not divorce her husband.  No matter what.  And, I hear the criticism with a cringe.  I've believed it myself.  Apparently still do to a degree.  It wasn't that I suddenly became a believer in divorce.  It's that I became a believer in a God who gives dignity.  Who has a purpose.  Who sees me.  Who believes that I am not worthless.  Just like I am.  Not IF I happen to improve in some way.  And so, the fine art that I shall have to master is how not to give a damn what those good christian people think about me.  Even when it's hard.  I need to focus on getting better.  I need to focus on my kids getting better.
Even if getting better is really messy.  Even if it looks like I've really blown it now.  My boys had a knock down drag out...but they also spoke words.  Real feelings.  Deep feelings.  They spewed out some of the pain.  They were finally honest.  Our home looked so good because it was the great cover up.  Their dad has not been there for them emotionally ever.  He now does stuff with some of them, but he doesn't connect.  He doesn't give them a sense of acceptance.  He doesn't realize that being a father requires more than just giving the sperm.  Or playing with them.  He doesn't get that it isn't their job to make him look good by being successful.  They long for truth and commitment.  For unbiased, unchanging favor in his eyes.
So...on to learning not to give a damn.  They have not lived the hell I lived.  They don't know.  Period. I don't have to impress them.  I do have to be well.  Healthy.  I do have to teach my kids how  dearly beloved they are.  So....off to do so.
blessings.

Made it

I went to my favorite service of the year.  And, though it was uncomfortable in some ways to be there....to have people telling me how my husband sang so well this morning and all...and having to smile and be polite because I don't know what to say in front of my kids....And though people don't get it....I went.  I was brave.  And this year was better than last year.Because this year I didn't have to fake.  This year, I AM apart from him.  I didn't just have to avoid him.  Well, I did avoid...but he wasn't allowed to make me pretend.   To act as if things are good.  Things were not good.  They were painful.  I was glad to not be part of a charade.
I make people feel awkward though.  And I want to say, "you think YOU feel awkward?"  But, I just make it through.  Am as polite as possible.  Some people don't talk to me at all anymore...as in, they won't even look at me.
Guess they have heard from him that I'm the evil one that did this horrible thing.  I just have to let it go.  I wanted to go to this service, and I did.  I didn't get up and share what I was thankful for because I figured that would make people uncomfortable.  Instead, I wrote how happy I am for peace.  For healing.  In my children's lives too.  It's coming.  In time.
It's tough.  But it is real.  Not pretend.
I am happy to be laying down now.  I am tired.  My leg is hurting.  I've had a strange headache.
good night.  Happy Thanksgiving week!

Kick Her to the Curb

I was given some friendly advice on one of my blogs.  I was encouraged to "kick her to the curb".  You know, that friend that I have let down.  Well, that's not really my style.  Yet, the fact that someone wrote that really did make me smile this morning.  It made me feel like maybe I could get past it.  I can't or won't kick her to the curb.  She's kind of one of those people you just love and want to know. She has her own stuff and own hurts.  I am not unaware of that.  I just need so desperately to get to be seen right now.  Understood.  Heard.  I can't compete.  I don't want to.  I spent too many years trying to love someone whose whole life revolves around competing.
But somehow, this morning, the memory of kick her to the curb makes me feel stronger.  It reminds me that I have choices...and my first choice is in how I choose to feel about someone.  And how I choose to allow how they feel about me to make me feel.
Deep breath.
It has been a rough week.  My yeg hurts.  I was up this morning, but the heating pad called to me and I'm elevated again.  It does help the pain.  But...makes me feel lazy.  Oh well, I guess.
blessings.

Sunday Morning

I awake this morning full of more courage.  Again filled.  Taking the little jaunt outside my cave yesterday did my heart good.  Though I feel badly about jaunting around those that it may hurt.  I find that it strengthened me to have said what I did.  To have simply not ignored the fact that I wasn't ok.
I know what direction I need to go.  I know who I want to be.  He stole some things.  But he didn't steal who I am.  She's still there.  Awaiting her debut.  Excited.  And afraid.  Hopeful.  Wondering.  But, no matter what he said or did.....that is not who I am.  No matter the dreams he crushed nor the beliefs he held....no matter how he behaves in the now.  I still have the right to be me.  Without being beat up about it.
I can smile.  Cook.  Rest.  I can dance.  I can sing.  I can be who I am.  I can speak.  Though that is really hard for me.  I am allowed.  I can be relaxed and let people sometimes feel badly.  Or dislike me. It's ok.  Though...right now, it's not.....it WILL be.  I am strong.  I am contagiously fun.  I have great abilities.  I've got it.  I can do it again.  For me.  For my true self is worth letting out.  Even if some cringe.  Even if along the way it's awkward.  Even if it means being in a cave until it feels safe enough.
I'm ok.  It's Sunday.  It's almost Thanksgiving.  I'm ok.
blessings.

Finish Talking

I have had a hard time finishing talking about anything.  I quit when I really just want to blather on.  Some things really are hard in the here and now.  It's hard that my husband invited one of my sons out to eat on my other son's birthday.  It's hard that he also asked him on the day that we usually would celebrate my son's birthday....Sunday....to go out too.  It's hard that he used one son to take the other son his birthday card.  Son who has a birthday hadn't opened it yet...hopefully he will.  What my friend told me about how I've withdrawn from her...how I'm not being what she needs....I want to work it out.  But instead, if I say anything, I mention them.  I have difficulty because though I feel a need to talk it out until I'm done, I also feel a sense of commitment to others to just drop it.  It's huge for me to get up the courage to mention it.  When talking about my ex, I just feel stupid, like it's old news and nobody wants to hear it.
But, I come here.  I barf it all out.  It's good to share.  To say.  To try to get past the crazy feeling.  And it's really hard.
Did I ruin everyone else's lives because I made a decision to set a boundary?  To tell him that I was done with being treated as he treated me?  Dunno.  I don't think it should.
But my favorite holiday is coming and I wonder...would people be happier if I invited him?  And is it selfish that I just feel like I CAN'T...not that I won't.  Last year was the hardest ever.  I was so done.  I was so hurt.  I could barely function.  And I had to do it with him there.  I'm not wanting to repeat it.  But, what is sad is that if everyone else needs it then I feel like I should do it anyway.  I put that pressure on myself.  However, though I feel it, I am letting it go rather than acting on it.  I don't need the stress.  Not at all.  Not in any way.
I need time to laugh.  Time to be silly.  Time to be allowed to just live.  To just say what I need to without the constant overriding sense that it's not appropriate.  I need to know that I'm allowed.
I am lonely for connection that doesn't involve having to filter.  I'm tired of filtering.  I just want to speak up.  I want to not care.  And yet...the woman that i really want to be........cares.  So, it's a conundrum.
Yesterday, I came out of the cave for a few.  But, it's just so hard.  Doesn't feel like anyone would want to take the time to sit through my finishing what I have to say.  It doesn't feel pretty.  It doesn't feel like they should have to.
So, I get up in the middle of the night and write.  And I imagine what it would be like to have someone to talk to at that moment.  To say how hurtful it is to have been there through the years for others.  And to feel so very alone now.  I don't mean that anyone is mean...just that there's not a soul who I can call at times like this...in the middle of the night.
Guess I just need a hug.  Maybe not to speak at all.  And that's why I'm here.  Because it's always as if I don't deserve to be comforted because I decided to be here.
But the thing is that I didn't decide for him to be such a mean jerk.  I didn't decide that I would invest so much time in someone who would take advantage rather than also invest in me.  I didn't decidethat he would suddenly become ultra church dude.  I didn't decide that he would become Disney dad.  And I certainly didn't decide that he would use things that should have drawn closer as power.  Bottom line is that he really hurt me.  And for many years, that hurt lay dormant and pushed under.  But, letting it out in this realness...well, it hurts.  It makes me suffer through it.  It's really hard.
And really good.
Even if others don't like who I am...I am remembering her.  Sensing her coming back to life.  And even if it doesn't make others all happy...well....I still want to know and remember the real me.  The one who went away in fear and silence.  I am funny.  I am fun.  I am silly.  I am honest.  I am full of life.  But I am stuck again.  All because someone close doesn't get that I need to be gently carried for awhile.  And when I try to say, it becomes a competition of how bad our lives are.  And I've made a differnt choice than her.  I get that.  She is most likely a better woman for it.  But I was being destroyed by my ex.  And though I don't know how to tell people without giving exact examples and being way too blunt......I know that it's true.
I just want for there to be a remnant of friends.  Of people.  That stand by me.  That hear me.  That seek me out.  That feel like I'm worth it right where and how I am.  Even when I can't try any harder. When I'm a mess.  I need to be able to be a mess sometimes.  But instead, I have to be a mess in my cave of I am offensive.  I really don't want to be offensive.  I want to uplift and help.  I'm just....weary.   On so many fronts.  I want to be a blessing.  Just as I am.
I will laugh again.  I will frolic.  I will be crazy and silly.  But I need to be heard for who I am.  Not for who people want me to be for them.
I am going to find my way back.  And if it has to be done in a cave, so be it....beautiful butterflies gotta  first develop in a cocoon.  But I am not giving up.  I am not giving in.  He was not what they see.  I am kind.  I am a good friend.  I know it.....though I may not be exhibiting it too well right now.  I know that I AM.
And what my friend said hurt me deeply.  It wasn't even just the words.  It was the idea that I had let her down.  That she had been hurt.  That I wasn't being enough for her.  Hmmmm......if I turned that around, if I said the same to her.....it would be devastating.  I wouldn't do it.  But the thing is that though I have tried to tell her, tried to explain, tried to let her into my hurt...she hasn't embraced the fact that I am wounded.  She only sees her own hurt.
That is my "problem"...even in the midst of everything, I see others.  I even see my ex.  I see how I could make htings better. For him.  I am feeling.  I am perceptive.  I get it.  It makes it hard when people don't get me.
Ok, I feel more done talking now.  Like I get that I'm really hurt.  That in my already being wounded, I have a sense that I've been supposed to make it ok for others.  To keep holding them up.  And that I am and have been a disappointment.  But...the thing is....I don't believe that I am.  I believe that I am in a growing place.  Those who love me....really love ME and not just what I do for them....will wait it out.  They will invite me out of the cave.  They will sit with me when I have to get out the bleck.  The others will fade.  Not because I wish them to, but because I can't hold onto both selves.  I am going to have to give up that one that evolved to survive the hard times.  I'm going to have to let the real me take over.  And that transition will drive some away.  And so I keep hesitating.  Holding back.  And therein lies a lot of pain.
I'm smiling again though.  That man really did a number on my heart.  I have a gentle heart.  Even though I'm way too matter of fact sometimes.  In my matter of factness is deep love.  I love people how they are.  Not how I wish they were.  I have a way of seeing who they are.  How they are.  Why they are.  I need to turn that gift on myself.  I need to see the beauty in me.  I need to not be invisible to myself.  Even if I'm in a cave while I sort it out so that others can be more comfortable.
Thanks for listening.  I needed that.
Ok, so it is a little less than satisfying to talk to the unknowns....yet, God just keeps telling me that there's a reason.  That we all need to learn to work these things out for real...not just pretending to have it together.  He doesn't need my pretense.  He really and for true loves me.  My friend jarred me out of that safe place for awhile.  But I remember again....even when I'm not a bit helpful and even when I have nothing to offer....He loves me.  Wholly and completely.  Seems like friends should remind us of that.  Not tear us down because we are feeling weak.
blessings.

Cave Dweller

This cave dweller peeked her head out this afternoon.  She has been hiding recently.  Alone in the cave.  Unsure.  Troubled by how she is perceived.  The friend that let her know how the cave dweller had hurt her and hadn't been open enough or able to share enough...that friend hurt her.  More than the cave dweller knew.  But today, a friend came along.  And the cave dweller was awkward and troubled.  Unable to decide.  Hurting.  And without the recourse of simply telling what was wrong.  The cave dweller knew that sharing about a friend would be strange.  So, she struggled.  She tried to stay in her cave.  But, the friend invited her out with a smile.  Coaxed her with food.  Took the time to look at her.  Took the time to wait.  And finally...the cave dweller began to tell how she was hurt and how she felt like a failure because she wants to be a good friend but she has let one of her closer friends down.  And the cave dweller knew in that moment how deeply wounded she had been.  How the tears were just about to overwhelm.  It was a few moments.  A blessed, treasured time...the cave dweller stood in the sun.  But, she retreated back as she realized how rude it was to pull someone else in.  How unkind. How divisive.  For a moment, it felt like a relief to feel the sun.  To hope that she could live there.  But then she remembered.  The cave was safer.  Because really she doesn't seem to have the skills to walk with the  others.  To hold things together.  She is wounded.  She is injured.  She is damaged.  She is not who she was.  And....that hurts others.  And because she hates hurting others, she'd rather retreat to her cave.  To live quietly.  Until she can function again.  Until her garbage doesn't hurt the people she cares about.
It's a sad place for her.  Feeling needy and yet also feeling protective of those she cares for.  And feeling like she doesn't have the right to claim or influence.  Her heart aches that she has failed so.  She is awkward.  She needs a hug or encouragement but can't even figure out how to say what she needs anymore.  Yep.  The cave.  The safety of the blankets.  Of quiet.  Of not interacting.  No risk of failing.  No risk of hurting those she cares about.  She may hurt or be lonely...but at least she won't feel like a failure.  And that she did.  When she heard the words from her friend she knew that she had failed to be a good friend.  Had failed in who she wants to be.
In that moment, her heart quaked.  And cracked.  Broken in a new way.  That he stole yet another part of her life.  That his behavior of seeking out those close to her had caused her to have to pull back which in turn had offended....which....once finally told to the cave dweller, caused her to look for a deeper place to hide.
What is sad is that this cave dweller loves the sun.  She longs to dance in the flowers and sing under the moon.  But....she is afraid.  She is awkward.  She feels uncertain and unencouraged.  She hasn't hear in a very long time a good word.  She longs for validation.  For uplifting.  It's really pretty pathetic.  But, she goes back in her cave to renew and get ready for the day that maybe she will be asked back out again.  This time was hard...she realized that she should not have spoken.  But, maybe next time she'll get it right.
Maybe.  Or maybe, she'll just build a fire, snuggle in her covers, grab a book and enjoy her cave.  Maybe some people are just supposed to be cave dwellers.  That way they don't screw stuff up.  Why oh why is it so easy for some people to have everyone like them and so hard for others to have anyone give a damn.  I don't know.  Really.  And that's probably the problem.  Because just when I think that I'm doing better, getting stronger....it's like I get slapped with hearing that I'm not doing well.  That I'm not being a good friend or meeting needs well enough.
And maybe just being in the cave is easier than feeling like a disappointment.  Than feeling ashamed that I'm not as likable as others.  Frankly....it's kind of hurtful.  Because I wonder how it is that I screw that up so much when I really desire and try to be kind.  When I really want to be there for others even when my own life hurts.  I don't get it.  And there's nobody saying, "there, there...you are just fine."  So, I'm thinking....."wait, I really must not be the one people need.  I am the one they want to do things but not the one that makes them feel good."
Today, I entrusted a bit of these thoughts to someone.  But I couldn't begin to share my shame without breaking down in the restaurant.  How do you tell someone that you are a screw up and that you wish that you weren't?  How do you say that you wish that you had been lovable?  That you fear that you will never find a safe place for your heart.  I don't know how.  Not without making someone feel that they have to be there out of guilt.  And that would suck worse than not being there.
I didn't realize until today how hard it had hit me.  I knew it had hurt me to hear her words.  I didn't realize that it had kicked my butt.  Again.  That it had stolen my ability to feel confident or comfortable around people.  Because I obviously often think that things are fine when they aren't. How I'll ever get it remains a mystery.
I think that me and my introverted self should just decorate the cave in a comfy way and call it good.
grace to you.

Remaining Calm

I did it.  Remained calm.  Just told them how it stressed me to have the house so....ick.  They did a bit.  It helped me.  It's not perfect.  I don't need perfect.  I don't care about perfect.  Although I do longingly look at some people's beautiful rooms and wish for them...I like our homey mess to a degree.  There's just a place where it's not a bit of clutter but trash and icky stuff that it gets to me.  When it builds up and it's as if everyone plays blind.  I want mostly for them to achieve thoughtfulness.  Kindness.  A sense that they can be helpful without being bullied into it.  That they are young adults and not little kids.  I want them to take pride in themselves.  It's coming......I've had to go back to reteach. Learned bad habits with dad here.  You don't do it out of fear because that doesn't teach the idea of serving nor of kindness.  I want the right thing done for the right reason.  Now, that doesn't mean that when training, I can't take away something else to motivate.  But, he used to gripe at me when they didn't do their stuff...strangely, that was often effective.  My kids didn't like him griping at me.  I didn't like it much either.
It's my son's bday.  That is very exciting.  And I feel better because we have some plans in place and my daughter isn't running out the door without contributing.That makes me happy.
Contributing.  Family.  It's a good thing.  A very good thing.
Real family.  Leaning.  Pulling.  Praying.  Worrying.  Laughing.  Enjoying.  Fighting.  We are getting there.  Learning to embrace who we are.
My one son, my oldest, said "i love you" the other night.  He is not a verbally expressing guy.  It meant a lot.  He is excited about the holidays.
Today, I have wondered if a card will come in the mail for my son's birthday...from his dad.  I hope it does.  Surely he did.
Have a good day.  In the midst of messy living...it's life.  It's a gift.  And learning to see the beauty in what is...that's a treasure.
blessings.

Saturday

It is my son's 18th birthday today.  I want him to get to have over the friends he wants to tonight.  I want to clean and make it good.  But you know, he doesn't even help at all during the week and yesterday...the day I had to work while all of the kids were home?  Oh my.  Seriously.  It's a wreck.  And normally I could just push through and get it all nice...but wow.  I need to get my leg rested too.  And maybe a part of me just doesn't want to.  Is tired of fixing it for everyone.  Is tired of fighting this particular battle.  I am weary of trying to plug the holes in the dam...or hold back the avalanche....I've been doing it for so many years.  I don't want to.  I just want them to "get" it.  To have compassion.  Every single one said, " I didn't really make a mess."  Really.  Every one.  I'm stunned.  I clean up the sugar that they powder the counters with.  The drink cups from cocoa, tea and honey, juice or milk....that are often stuck to the counter.  I scoop the cereal out of the bowls.  I pick up the trash off of the floor.  I load the dishwasher every morning and clean the counters.  Usually I wash the pans as well.  Yesterday, I didn't do that.  Three teens at home...you'd think that they could do something, right?
I really need order in my home.  It's just like holding back waves.  My kids are simply at that place.  And I am simply so done with fighting.  I want to ask. I don't want to have to keep telling again and again.  If they do something once a week, it's big news.  My daughter may unload the dishwasher each day.  And it makes her feel like she is the queen.  Stresses me.  Want to be grateful...and I want to say, "guys, look around, it's only four of us and I clean up in the morning before I go and on the weekends."
So, here I am.  Leg up.  Hurts.  Knowing that I have to get up.  Tried of using all of my energy just to get back to the basics.  Frustrated.  Very.  But, it is what it is.
blessings.

Advice

I have been advised to go back to the e.r.  To make the doctor do something.  But going only makes me feel stupid.  Like I'm worrying needlessly.  My leg does bother me, but they say that those veins will hurt.  So, I don't know how to get my questions answered.  It's so hard.
I manage the pain.  I try to do healthier things.  Although...tonight, I polished off a load of ice cream.  Mostly, I have been less hungry.  Kinda tired and weak.
So...glad to have a day to rest later tomorrow.  Very glad.  Sooooo.....gladddddd.....
I hear all of the words.  I understand all that they are saying.  I get that I need to take care of myself.  I really do.  I even gave it such a good shot going to the e.r. at the beginning of the week.
I don't do very well when I'm not...heard.
I'm really struggling with that on many fronts in life right now.  I feel like everywhere I turn I am kind of an aside.  At the doctor...at the e.r. too....I didn't feel like they were really listening to me.  When I'm with people, it feels like they are tuned out for the most part....so many other things going on in life these days.  So many distractions.  There's not a person to be with that is actually with me.  I used to love car time with my kids or with friends because you could connect.  But now, everyone is busy connecting with someone else.  I'm pretty lame in that realm.  Unless someone needs something...my phone rings not.  Shoot, the doctor won't even call me.  hahaha.  Pretty pathetic.
I watched tear jerkers and bawled my eyes out tonight....needed it.  Because it's hard to have to go to bed for me.  And there really isn't a choice once I get home at night.  I'm not able to do more.  Not that I don't want to...I CAN'T.  That's unusual.  I'm pretty tough.
Went to Wal Mart tonight...finally got that heating pad.  But boy, getting around the store after my day.....it was grueling.  Guess it was good to get it though.  Feels good.  Keeps me from having the chills with my fever.  And helps with the leg pain.
And I realized that my favorite church service will probably be attended by my ex.  Blah.  But at least he hasn't asked for them for Thanksgiving.  Guess since he has Christ;mas all wrapped up...
but I should decide what time we are eating.
I have a really good life.  I adore my work.  I like who I am.  Though often, I wish that I was different for the sake of others.
Truth is though....lately, I've been struggling to stay on my feet.  Literally.  I can't sit too long.  Today I did.  That was killer...had meetings.  It worries me because I had been doing so well.  But, I do know that my body has some physical things it has to fight through in this healing process.  The emotional and physical are attached.  And while I feel guilty and troubled to be hitting my bed every night for the last five nights...it won't kill my kids.  I'm sure of it.  But...I wish that they would help a little.  I don't even have it in me to organze that.
So tired.  So much pain.  Nobody gets that.  I get tired of trying to explain.
I just want to feel better.  Clean my house.  Be ready for my son's bday party.  He has friends coming over.  Don't know if I can do it.  Usually Ican push it. We'll see.  This time....it's bad.
But still...it's break.  It's THANKSGIVING!!! I love that!!!  In the midst of it all.....so very thankful.
blessings.

Scared

My health has scared me to pieces this week.  I've managed to keep going.  I've taken a breath over and over and remembered that God is in control.  But....let me tell you, the whole thing is rather terrifying.  So many weird things keep happening.  Tonight my head/face went numb.  It was really bizarre.  Terrified me.  It passed.  I have a cell phone...can I even dial 911 and have them find my house?
Good news is that I am learning the healthy things that I should be doing regularly.  I am learning how to be healthier.  How to combat having the problems worsen or even have them at all.
Overall, I don't worry much.  It has just been so...different...stuff I don't know how to handle.
I hope if anything were to happen to me that all of the people who have heard me talk about my medical communities lack of common courtesy....will follow through.  How jerky they acted.  It's those moments when I remember why I don't really like the doctor world.
On a different note, I got to talk to someone that I used to know from church while at the bank today...she invited me to come sit with her at her church on Saturday night at 5.  How sweet that was. She was glad that I told her I wasn't married.  She wasn't freaked out.  She laughed at the check from him that still has my name on it as well......I really wish he would get new checks.  I think we ordered a thousand.  Literally.  Sigh.  But she asked if I was happier.  She just....got it.  Right away.  Without me having to give reasons or excuses.  That was a blessing in my day.
Guess I should sleep.  I'm a little nervous, I confess.  I normally am not...it's just that freaky time this evening troubles me.  I want to live.  Not trying to be melodramatic.  It just...frightened me.
But, sleep I will need in order to function tomorrow.  So, pretty soon, I will need to face that fear.
I face a lot of them these days.  I am so much braver and so much busier than people probably realize.
blessings.

Making It

I wake up at 2....have to take more pain reliever.  I wake up at 4:30...still adjusting from time change.  I get up and get everyone going.  Cheery.  Excited.
But at this moment...for this very small moment, I can sit here and just marvel that I'm making it at all. That I am doing it, but that it IS hard.  I can be completely honest with me.  I can honor the fact that I am doing something amazing.  That I am strong and able to be kind.
I woke up in the night and thought that it's sad to be so alone in some ways.  So unhugged.  So kept at a distance.  Really, I do know people that draw others like moths to light when they have needs.  I don't.  I often wonder how I became so very invisible.  What happened in those years of marriage?  I know that I got very used to trying to be out of his way...of making it about him....of not being needy because it only caused hurt.  Unmet needs are harder to cope with than not having needs.
But, it has skewed my life.  It means that I did become invisible to those around me.  And that I allow it.  It's hard.  But, it is what it is.  So...onward to another day.  My foot hurts along with my thigh today.  I want to sit down and have a good cry and then go on...but alas...it's time to go on.
So, with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
have a great day!
blessings.

Near Breakdown

So, I got all of what I needed to get in the bed and have my leg up.  I begged....literally...my daughter to bring me a hot dog...which I don't even like....but I was starving and though I wanted oatmeal, I didn't want to make that.  She brought it.  With an air that let me know that it was a bother.  That hurt.  I managed not to cry.  I settled in.  For about ten minutes.  Relieved.  So relieved to be still.  And then...this creeping, warm sensation caused me to feel underneath and realize that my pants were soaked.  Water bottle was leaking.  Got up.  Put pillows and bedding in dryer.  Ran a hot bath.  Made some pudding.....pudding comforts me for some odd reason.....got in the tub which made my body feel good, but really messed with my blood pressure and made me feel like I was going to pass out, so I got out.  Finally found my sleeping sweats.  Bedding was dried.  I took back to my bed.  Filled water bottle and checked it out.  It is indeed not to be used anymore.  And I teared up.  That one little thing of comfort that makes the pain a little better....gone.  I had a mini pity party.  The best way....alone.  And now I'm writing and wondering if I can make it through a night and then the next day without my heating device.  How can something so stupid feel so devastating?  Don't know, but it was pretty harsh feeling.  I try to make the best of most anything.  Probably why people really don't see me...why when I'm at the end they can't even picture it...because I can always keep going.  But this made me just stop.  Worn out.  Sad.
But....dry bedding now.  And....hey, pudding.  Guess something good came of it.
Oh man, just realized that I have to get up and do two more things.
Sigh.  But then...rest...blissful rest.  

Fantasy

No.  I'm not talking about sex.  I'm talking about the giddy moment that I had in the car when I had been at work for so long....on my feet for most of 11 hours today.  I had meetings.  I worked hard.  I worked with my kids.  I left school knowing that I was just looking forward to the hot water bottle and putting up my leg.  It was throbbing.
And I had this moment where I thought of how nice it would be to have had my house cleaned and some dinner cooking when I got home.  I know....my fantasies are lacking.  Probably what happened to my marriage.  I am pretty simple to please.  Not to have to answer the dinner question.  Not to have to stumble over things and determine that I can put it off yet another night because I'm just not up to it.
But, alas...I was too smart for my own good.  I went by the store...yes, after having a long meeting after school...got milk.  Got....hotdogs.  Brought them home.  To a home that looked just as I remembered.  There are no little elves nor fairies.  No amazing teens that knew that I feel this bad and did what I needed.  Although, one did make the hot dogs for me.  One greeted me.  And the dogs.  And I gimped off to my bed.  Not even able to take the hot bath that I long for.  Haven't even taken off my bra yet.  Filled hot water bottle.  Put tylenol by the bed.  Got something to drink.  Told the kids that they were welcome to come in and be with me or talk with me but that I had to get prone.
I need a maid.  Or a wife.  Seriously.....men get a good deal.  At least the men I know.  Even when women work....the women still plan the meals and are sure that the plan is carried out.  Women...no matter whether stay at home or working outside the home....have the huge commitment to make sure everyone is fed and clothed.  I know that there are some families where this is not the case.  I have actually seen a few true co-parenting families.  Me?  I just wish that there was a day in all of these years that it wasn't my responsibility.  I may not do something fabulous....i.e. hot dogs...but no matter how bad off I am, I give a plan.
Yes, I had a fantasy.  Of a good fairy.  With a wand.  And sparkle dust.  It only lasted a few minutes, but it made me smile.  It made me feel hope.....even if it was ridiculous hope.  Really.....for just that moment...I really for real pictured it.  Truly visualized it.  It was awesome.
blessings.

An hour at a time

My days go by quickly.  That's the nature of a school schedule.  But, I have to say that being in pain causes some drag in the time.  I have school, two meetings and absolutely no down time today.  I'm already completely weary because of having to cope with pain while doing my work.  I'm managing though.  And....I just have to hold on until Turkey Day break. ;)  I got this.  Because I've got a big God.
Yes, sometimes I feel alone.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  But, I simply try to take a little chunk of time at at time.  Not a whole day....just a little bit of time.  An hour.  A few minutes.  One activity and then the next.  And eventually.....eventually, I will have gotten through another day and be "allowed" to lay back down.  I can't even describe how badly I want to do so right now.  Brings tears.  But, instead, I will finish what I have set out to do.  I will be brave.  I will enjoy.  I will be present.
And I will leave my worry and whining here and go back and embrace the beauty of my day.  An hour at a time.
blessings.

Ever so Often

Ever so often, I have this glimpse of being alone in the world.  That feeling that I always felt sorry for people having.  Not having a day alone.  But, rather, that sense that I have to take care of myself.  I was pretty much past doing much when I left work last night.  But I still had to plan dinner..even if it was for my son to go pick it up.  And I had to figure out how to get enough pain meds in me without going out to buy the kind the doc recommended.....because I just couldn't go out again.  And I wasn't up to going and tracking down purchasing a heating pad at the Wal-Mart.  I was done for the day.  But, when I got into my bed, I knew that I needed the hot.  I got up and looked for a hot water bottle that I remembered having.  I found it.  Got back in bed and knew that I was hungry.  Got up and made a can of soup.  Went back to my covers...trying to get under the covers with my leg propped up and my head supported while holding soup and trying to be warm.....got it done.  Realized I didn't have anything to drink.  Got that.
Guess I realized that since I was college aged, I haven't had that sense that people see me or what I need.  My ex didn't.
I'm a big girl.  I can do what I need to do.  It was just a realization that there was nobody that I was going to call...when I was on my way home and feeling poorly.  That there was nobody that I should think should come to my rescue.
Ever so often, that is hard.  But mostly, I'm just glad not to be in the fake relationship where everyone assumes that my ex is doing that....meeting those kinds of needs.
Those emotional needs.  The feeling that there is someone being strong when I just need to rest.  Others taking care of stuff when I am spent.  I'm learning to let go.  And know that some things won't get done.  But I can still rest.  It's ok.
Ever so often I realize just how blessed I am to be able to live.  To breathe.  To know that it's all ok.  Even if I don't get it.  That I can truly rest.  Even if the worst happens.  I'm still carried.
I am at peace.  True peace.  Ever so often.
blessings.

Uncomfortable...but finding peace

My body is not doing well.  I knew it all last weekend.  I am weak.  I hurt.  Quite a bit probably...since I'm used to pain, so it is hard for me to judge how it is.
I was supposed to have aleve tonight.  I just couldn't go out yet again.  So, tylenol and a glass of wine it is.  Supposed to have a heating pad.....but, I managed to scrounge up the hot water bottle.
I texted my son when he was supposedly at the store getting food for the dinner....turns out he went to wendy's, so no meds for me.  Not to mention that he never got my message....nor offered to bring me food as well.  sigh.  But, the point is that they kids got fed.
I had a hot soak in the tub.  I found the hot water bottle.  I heated a can of soup.  I hit the bed by six.
I am hurting.  Uncomfortable.  It tends to worry me.  But, obviously, the doctor who has not called back...again...is not worried.
So, I go back to my mantra that I've had in my head for years....I will not die one moment before God allows.  No matter what this world throws at me.  So, I'm going to manage my pain so that I can function.  And I'm going to rest.  Just rest.  Take a load of tylenol.....because that is what I have.....refill my hot water bottle once more...if I can manage to get up.  And I'm going to keep that leg up and just choose rest.  Real rest.
Peace.  It comes from God.  From knowing that He holds me.
blessings.

Who Will Speak For Me?

I think that one reason that I have such a horrible fear of doctors offices and hospitals is that I feel that I will have no one to speak for me.  To advocate.  My ex would be there.  Eat the snacks.  Enjoy the lounge. He would watch the tv.  He was there.  But, not for me.  He wasn't my voice.  I still had to suck it up and try to get across what I needed.  Now, if I said, "go get me a blanket," he would do that.     But, noticing that I was cold or on empty on fluids or maybe would like a popsicle.....or whatever...nope.  And the big things he just never said.  Like, "she really does hurt because she wouldn't be this upset or quiet if she didn't......DO something."  No advocate.  I was his.  I advocate for many.
But all I could think last night was that I was too tired to argue about whether I should have a chest x ray or not.  My doc had said to get one.  The ER doc said nah.  I still feel like crap.  My leg hurts and I'm supposed to figure out whether it's up higher than before.  Whether it's up near the groin....well, now that I'm all nervous, who really knows.  I feel better laying down.  But, I need to make it through this week at work.
I will.  I know that I can.  Unless I pass out there...in which case, I guess the answer will be definitive.  I won't have to try to bully my way to get what I need.
I've noticed it in the medical world for years.  With my grandparents, with my friends...those without an advocate do not get very good care.
Who will speak for me?
No idea.  I am too weary to figure it out today.
But....I wish there had been last night.
blessings.

The E.R. or otherwise known as being a big girl

I went to the E.R. today.  First, I went to the doctor's office.  I actually decided on my own to go.  Decided that I needed to do it.  A friend at work agreed.  It was a big deal.  Going to the doctor was always a big no no as far as finances....ok, not if HE needed to go, but if I needed to go, I never heard the end of it.
I went.  Made an appt.  Got in.  Took the news that I needed to head over to the hospital...all of these by myself.  Got to wait at the ER.  Friend came for about an hour.  Then back to waiting.  Seeing as how I was exhausted, that was fine with me.
I quit writing last night and now it's early in the morning.
I was brave.  Because it was hard to take care of myself within marriage.  And...I didn't really have any money until Thursday.  But, hey, it all worked out.  And I feel good that I can make those decisions without guilt.  But, I have to say that the old heaviness and worry dies hard.  I have to purposefully remind mysepf that there isn't anyone who's going to come behind and make me feel badly about it.  Ahhh.  that's good news.
And...I got to set up both my hospital and clinic accounts with my own information.
Have a great day.
I'm going to try to make it through work...but, I still don't feel too well.
blessings.