Ever so often, I have this glimpse of being alone in the world. That feeling that I always felt sorry for people having. Not having a day alone. But, rather, that sense that I have to take care of myself. I was pretty much past doing much when I left work last night. But I still had to plan dinner..even if it was for my son to go pick it up. And I had to figure out how to get enough pain meds in me without going out to buy the kind the doc recommended.....because I just couldn't go out again. And I wasn't up to going and tracking down purchasing a heating pad at the Wal-Mart. I was done for the day. But, when I got into my bed, I knew that I needed the hot. I got up and looked for a hot water bottle that I remembered having. I found it. Got back in bed and knew that I was hungry. Got up and made a can of soup. Went back to my covers...trying to get under the covers with my leg propped up and my head supported while holding soup and trying to be warm.....got it done. Realized I didn't have anything to drink. Got that.
Guess I realized that since I was college aged, I haven't had that sense that people see me or what I need. My ex didn't.
I'm a big girl. I can do what I need to do. It was just a realization that there was nobody that I was going to call...when I was on my way home and feeling poorly. That there was nobody that I should think should come to my rescue.
Ever so often, that is hard. But mostly, I'm just glad not to be in the fake relationship where everyone assumes that my ex is doing that....meeting those kinds of needs.
Those emotional needs. The feeling that there is someone being strong when I just need to rest. Others taking care of stuff when I am spent. I'm learning to let go. And know that some things won't get done. But I can still rest. It's ok.
Ever so often I realize just how blessed I am to be able to live. To breathe. To know that it's all ok. Even if I don't get it. That I can truly rest. Even if the worst happens. I'm still carried.
I am at peace. True peace. Ever so often.
blessings.
Guess I realized that since I was college aged, I haven't had that sense that people see me or what I need. My ex didn't.
I'm a big girl. I can do what I need to do. It was just a realization that there was nobody that I was going to call...when I was on my way home and feeling poorly. That there was nobody that I should think should come to my rescue.
Ever so often, that is hard. But mostly, I'm just glad not to be in the fake relationship where everyone assumes that my ex is doing that....meeting those kinds of needs.
Those emotional needs. The feeling that there is someone being strong when I just need to rest. Others taking care of stuff when I am spent. I'm learning to let go. And know that some things won't get done. But I can still rest. It's ok.
Ever so often I realize just how blessed I am to be able to live. To breathe. To know that it's all ok. Even if I don't get it. That I can truly rest. Even if the worst happens. I'm still carried.
I am at peace. True peace. Ever so often.
blessings.
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