how many days?

today i looked at my phone.  i had received no calls in over two days.  and i haven't made any in awhile either.  am i trying to be more like other people?  perhaps.  i suddenly get that they don't have that sense of needing to touch base.  i am rather tactile. and i guess that i am emotionally tactile too.  i need to touch base. a quick update.  a "how are you?" to a friend.  i like it.  i'm like the pooh and piglet quote "i'm just being sure of you."  it's not that i feel insecure.  i just find it comforting.  i find it a solace.  it bolsters my courage.  it's kind of like talking with god.  it isn't about how much or the fact that i'm needy...it just makes me a better person to stay connected.  so, that is what i do.  with him.  and what i like to do with others.  until i realized that perhaps that is weird to others.  inconsiderate.  calling for no "reason".  stopping by.  nobody else just stops by or calls just because.  hmmm.  i think that i have been very very slow in getting a clue.
my phone will ring eventually.  but i can guarantee that the call will have a purpose.  i am learning how to be more that way.  and...how not to manufacture a purpose in order to meet my internal desire for the comfort.  to be honest with myself.  to let go.  it has been really hard for me.  in the midst of so much other stuff.  and yet...strangely....i guess that it's good.  because i am learning that i'll be ok and i can be more as other people are adn in doing that, perhaps they will feel more comfortable.  less........put upon.  because i don't want people to connect or be there because i am needy.  i want it to be a mutual friendship.  i want it to be interest and a desire to connect.  not because anyone is needy but because that is what relationships do....they nurture.  they RELATE.  in time.  some day.  but for now, i wait.  i long.  i hope.  i pray.  but i learn that i am ok.  i really am ok.  amazed at how ok i am.  even when i'm a mess.
blessings.