Still Trying

Well, today is kind of a wash.  I pruned my indoor plants.  With a shop vac....ok they are outdoor plants that i've brought in for the winter.  I'm lousy with indoor plants, but I thought that I'd try.  Of course, you may not think that I'm trying really hard since I used a shop vac, but there was a lot of dead stuff...it worked very well.
So, I didn't accomplish much.  Though I thought that I would.
I went out to breakfast with a friend.  It rather...drained me.  I told her a large portion of my story.  And, I didn't realize how it depleted me to do so until after I got home.  The rest of the day, I vegged out.  I pushed away the depression that threatened, but I didn't force myself to do the things that I had planned.  I gave myself time.
I invited her out.  And again...on yet another day.....I have learned that if I don't reach out, I am solo.  Oh well.  It's probably for the best.  I'm not the greatest company apparently.  My friends aren't flocking to me.  I'm sure that I'm "that" friend.  The wearing one.  So, I think that I should probably let go.  I keep thinking that.  I just haven't been able to.  It's so hard.  I so want to be loved on by those that I invested my life in.  But I also know that others have needs.  That they can't separate from my husband just because I wish they would.  And, they can't feel how desperate I am because really....I'm rather invisible.  And that is my fault.  Because though I thought that I was doing the "right" thing.....I allowed what happened.  Though I hated it.  I was trying so hard.  But I allowed myself to disappear.  So....nobody sees me.  Non entity.  But eventually.....maybe they will enjoy this woman who is returning.  I hope so.  It would be healing.
I made it through today.  Here I am.
Resting.  I'll work tomorrow.  Or not.
blessings.