Take a Breath

Here I am taking a breath.  Trying at least.  I breathe on so many fronts better than before.  And I keep trying to understand how he hurt me so deeply.  I saw a quote that said "instead of wondering why i'm away, maybe you should be wondering what you could have done to make me stay."  I feel like it was on me to keep staying even if he was not someone who held me up or showed care for me.  That I was supposed to be thankful that he didn't leave me.  It always was that way.  I can't say that it was ever healthy nor peaceful.  Ever.
I came to believe in a very deep part that I wasn't worth it.  And though I keep trying to convince myself...though I know truth...though I know what God says....I just can't believe in it.  Not the kind of belief that commits to it.  Acts on it.
I am among the walking wounded.  Need an emotional hospital bed.  Tired of walking.  Tired of not saying the right things and trying to get my emotions back under control.  How foolish I feel.
And I don't want to.
I wish that I was one of those people everyone is so easily drawn to.  Who say and do the right thing.  I have friends like that.  I really don't get how it is that they get it and I am so clueless.  But, it is what it is.
blessings.