i am still very fragile. i read part of a story about a woman who went through her divorce and took six month off...with her parents taking care of her and her children. she went to bed every day after the kids went to school.
i don't have that luxury. i still have to keep going. keep moving. and, part of my job is being evaluated.
i don't think that i can adequately explain to anyone how hard that is on me. just something inside aches and trembles. fears it. just knows that i'll come up short.
i was trained in my marriage. by his selfish way of living. by his dissatisfaction in me. and those wounds are deep. and somehow, being evaluated at work stressed me out.
probably explains why i was ready to go to bed at 6:30 tonight. i didn't, but i was dozey.
he broke me. i became a nobody. even to myself. i became invisible. i became adept at keeping everything running smoothly and being able to make others happy.
i was evaluated all of the time...and always found wanting. there wasn't grace. there was tolerance. that thing that makes the other person feel good about himself for accepting you when you aren't worth it.
so...i struggle. a lot.
today was hard. but i did it. got through it. i wanted family to pray for me. i wanted a mom to call. i wanted someone to care or get how hard it might be. but, there was nobody. i mean, my coworkers know that being evaluated is stressful, but they don't know why it would be such a huge deal for me.
but here i am. worn and weary, but alive.
and i didn't throw up. gotta love that.
blessings.
i don't have that luxury. i still have to keep going. keep moving. and, part of my job is being evaluated.
i don't think that i can adequately explain to anyone how hard that is on me. just something inside aches and trembles. fears it. just knows that i'll come up short.
i was trained in my marriage. by his selfish way of living. by his dissatisfaction in me. and those wounds are deep. and somehow, being evaluated at work stressed me out.
probably explains why i was ready to go to bed at 6:30 tonight. i didn't, but i was dozey.
he broke me. i became a nobody. even to myself. i became invisible. i became adept at keeping everything running smoothly and being able to make others happy.
i was evaluated all of the time...and always found wanting. there wasn't grace. there was tolerance. that thing that makes the other person feel good about himself for accepting you when you aren't worth it.
so...i struggle. a lot.
today was hard. but i did it. got through it. i wanted family to pray for me. i wanted a mom to call. i wanted someone to care or get how hard it might be. but, there was nobody. i mean, my coworkers know that being evaluated is stressful, but they don't know why it would be such a huge deal for me.
but here i am. worn and weary, but alive.
and i didn't throw up. gotta love that.
blessings.
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