Looking for trips

I began again today looking for where to go over Christmas.  I know that I will be alone.  I guess that I should not have anyone else feeling badly about that.  So...perhaps if I go do something fun it will make everyone feel better.  Including me.  Maybe?  Maybe not.  I am not really sure. But I don't want to wait until the last minute and find out that it's miserable knowing that I am not a part of anything.  That being invited would not be out of "we can't imagine our Christmas without you," but rather, "how sad that you are all alone."  I want to be more than that.  Too long I spent trying to be satisfied with the remnants.  With feeling like I must not deserve it if he was not giving it.  I don't want to leave myself there.  But I spent so many years training people that it was ok.  Making the world ok for everyone.  I indeed became invisible.
But, I don't have to remain that way.  Not at all.  Just have to allow change to take place in me.  And allow those who wish to stay and those who don't to go.  And one day, I will get phone calls....just because someone wants to talk to me.  Because....they like my presence.  One day.  It will happen again.  I used to be there.  Those many years ago.  I don't want what I had.  I want what there is for me in the future.  Looking forward to it.
So...looking for what I should do.  No family makes it an interesting concept.  A tad painful.  But I guess I just need to get used to it.
blessings.