the count is 22

earlier this month i thought that my three kids and i would be spending our first unmarried thanksgiving alone.  i thought that we would make it through.  that somehow, we would do it and do it well.  but i saw their faces.  the disappointment.  i heard how they were surprised that it would be us.  well...as of last week, that changed to being about 10.  then, as the week as progressed....22 for tomorrow.  get me six more and i'll be up to "normal" numbers.  wow.  and people that will be fun and easy going for my sweet, recovering family.  that's the thing....we can't just go anywhere or have anyone.  we really need tlc.  we need comfort.  and comfortable.  we need peacefulness.
i'm having it in a different room than usual.  creating a new space.  going to try to not work around old memories.  some of them are very painful.  a lot of "those" talks...those fights while people are coming or already here occurred on these kind of big days.  but....i'm ok.  because i don't have to have that this year.  i don't have to worry.  i don't have to be pressured nor troubled by someone that felt that i didn't do it well enough.  nope.  don't have to.  not gonna be.  my mind knows it...my heart is still trying to catch up to understand that there can be peace.
i am excited.  thrilled.  anticipating.  nervous.  exhilarated.  afraid.  thankful.  joyous.  fearful.  all wrapped up in one.  this is our first big holiday on our own.  and god....in his kindness and all knowingness.....didn't leave us on our own.
thank you god.