You know, I get why people want me to see someone. I get why it would be easier for them. Because what I'm asking in life is very difficult. I'm asking to get what I want to give. People to walk with and through the stuff...all of the stuff. I look back in Jesus' age and I think....no therapists. Rabbis. Priests. Prostitutes. They paid for sex, but you don't hear them paying someone to listen to them. Not that I don't think that it can help. I do. It's just that having to pay makes it much like a prostitute...it satisfies a need, a primal need...but it isn't filling. It doesn't satisfy the need of intimacy....of connection...of relationship. What I am looking for is not just a place to dump my stuff. I could do that anywhere. I could pay you to listen. To nod. To take notes. To maybe even give advice. But I can't pay you for what I really need. And so, while being with you would relieve some tension, it would not ultimately satisfy my longing and desire to see the body of Christ at work. Confessing to one another. Praying with one another. Working together. Serving one another. Using our gifts for the building up of the body.
I am willing to give myself to my friends. To people in my life. To relate. To carry their burdens. To share their joys. To divide their sorrows. And I have to learn that there are people willing and ready to do that for me too. Without me giving them a thing. Simply because they choose to. To walk with me.
Oh, some days, I'd give you all I have to sit with me in a quiet room and have uninterrupted time with someone...anyone. Since shortly after college...funny, since I've been married...I've not really had that kind of time. Time for me. To be heard. To be seen. It's as if there is always something that is so important. Someone that is more needy. So, I put off what I need. Over and over again. Until I have come to a place that it is hard for me to even begin. There were moments in there though...moments when I was invited out to share. It's not that i don't trust...it's that most people don't have the desire to really hear.
Today though, I could have used someone like you. My one son is an addict. He has to go to NA. He doesn't want to. Obviously. He can do it on his own. He'll go when he feels better. But, you see, he was put on pain killers for his back and he proudly got himself back off of them. But still on weed every day. He has lost his job. Not over drugs. But, my thought? How will he get another when most places drug test? Not only that, he despises himself for his duplicity. It is eating away at him. Marijuana is cheaper than cigarettes because people give it to him. His family suffers when he withdraws. Somehow, he needs to go in the door of NA tonight. He promised me he would go yesterday. He didn't...has the shakes and all from going 36 hours without a joint. He isn't going to be very nice. I wondered if my daughter in law and grandsons should go to stay with her parents. Maybe so. He needs to get better. I've asked him for a commitment to 90 meetings in 90 days. He was really pissed off with me today for following through...but he asked me what to do and then he gave me his word. I know that meetings won't fix it. But I know that it will let him lean on some others instead of my daughter in law.
To my credit, I did ask someone to go out today. I wanted to talk. I didn't follow through with the words that I was needing it. Everyone is busy. It's the holiday season. That's only going to get worse. And I don't know how it's supposed to work when I have a need and they have a different need. I am getting the idea that it shouldn't always be me that gives. I will have to figure it out. Because sometimes I need people to show up. For me. Just because. Instead, I try asking less and less. Rejection is hard for me at this stage. I know why, my dear therapist. Yes, I was married to the guy who couldn't sit still for ten minutes just to be with me. To talk to me. Only for sex. I understand that the way he used sex and the way he didn't take the time warped my sense of value. And sometimes I wonder about my value. I don't feel that valuable to anyone. Well, my dog adores me. Others like me well enough. But truthfully there really isn't anyone that wakes up and is just thankful that I am. That's a little sad....but a reality for most, I imagine. Maybe not my dream from childhood, but it is what is true.
And I wonder why it is that I have no interest in remarrying. Not even in dating. Sex might be nice. Ha. I've never had sex when not married and I'm not planning on starting now. Kind of like the thing with the therapist....without the interpersonal part, it doesn't meet my need. But, what is it? I think that it is the fact that I gave the best I had. I prayed to be and grow and love fully. I really wanted to make it work. I didn't take it lightly. But, it wasn't working. Not at all. It was a facade that made other people feel good. But, it wasn't real. And, I don't know how to be sure that it's real if I were to go for it again. I married the super charming guy. He is a church icon. He'll probably be a deacon at some point after the stigma of the divorce dies down. And I wake up every day simply grateful that he's not here. That I don't have to walk in that world anymore. It was horrid. And yet....another family member has pushed aside what happened to me...is "praying for me" while being silent to me. Not wanting to know what it is that could have pushed me here. Not caring.
I don't know how to answer people who are like that. But, since they don't contact me after saying that they will be praying...I guess no answer is necessary. I don't want to go into what a jerk he is. How false. How he doesn't live a life that helps those he supposedly cares about. How he only lives to please himself...yes, pun intended.
My dear therapist, I would be happy to see you for so many people. But if I came to you, it would take away the small remains of my self worth. It would mean finally giving up on my greatest hope. The hope that God will continue to provide in every way....including relationships. Once I have to pay you to be kind to me. To listen to me. To spend time with me. Once that happens, I will know with finality that I have no one. And I don't think that I can bear that. So much has already been put upon me. A depressed son. A daughter that needs love and guidance...and needs a father's love. A son with attention needs. A son that is an addict. A job that demands hours and hours. All of these things I carry and pray for. Take care of one at a time, moment by moment. But there is this line...this thing that I can't give up on in my very soul. I can't give up on the idea that it can work to be part of the Body. That there is strength there. That there is everything to meet our needs. And though the church I have attended hasn't once reached out to meet any need (even to offer to pay you for me. :)), I still believe. I understand how they feel. I know how easily he deceives. He seems so.......good. So, I can't judge them there time of grief and of judgement towards me. I knew that it would have to be that way. I can only hope that those who know me best will see me. Will reach out. Will care. Even though it costs them. And I know that it will. So, I can't ask....though some days, I want to get on my knees and beg to be be seen and heard and understood. To be cared for. To be hugged and comforted. That's not something you can ask for. It's something that has to be offered. And...I can't buy it either. Though there are those moments when I wish I was sitting in your office. A safe place. Somewhere in time when it is MY time....no disruption...nobody else more important...no phone...no game...no kid....no anything. But in my mind I would know that it was also a facade. That you really have nothing invested in me. That you don't like me or not like me. You don't listen because you love. It's just your job.And there's the rub...he viewed it as his job and duty to take care of us...of me. He showed up. He did what he was supposed to do. He did the motions. And my spirit died. I was crushed. Hearing, "I'm praying to be able to love you, " just about did me in. So, I guess it would just remind me of the fact that I am not worth it to anyone if your office is the only place that I can speak and maybe get a hug.
And I'm just not willing yet. Though it would make others feel better. Less like they had responsibility. It would destroy me right now. And I don't know how to be clear with them without hurting them. I can't because it would mean breaking me. Finally and completely admitting that there is nobody around that cares enough to hear. To see. To pray. To hold. And I just can't believe that yet. And I fear a day that I do.
But, I do appreciate all you do for so many. I do see your work. I don't feel it a waste. I see the help you give people I know. It's just that....the whole basis of my pain is relational. It deals with value. With being conditioned that if I don't "pay".....with sex when I was married....then I'm not worth being with. And I need to get past that. Somehow, I need to walk through it and find out if I am worth it to others. I'm sure that I'll cry a good bit. And mourn. And scream. And laugh at myself. But, in the end, I plan on coming out whole and complete. With relationships forged in the hard times. Somehow.
Thanks though. Keep up what you do best for so many. I am thankful. I see the purpose. Your purpose. It's noble. And kind.
Grace to you.
I am willing to give myself to my friends. To people in my life. To relate. To carry their burdens. To share their joys. To divide their sorrows. And I have to learn that there are people willing and ready to do that for me too. Without me giving them a thing. Simply because they choose to. To walk with me.
Oh, some days, I'd give you all I have to sit with me in a quiet room and have uninterrupted time with someone...anyone. Since shortly after college...funny, since I've been married...I've not really had that kind of time. Time for me. To be heard. To be seen. It's as if there is always something that is so important. Someone that is more needy. So, I put off what I need. Over and over again. Until I have come to a place that it is hard for me to even begin. There were moments in there though...moments when I was invited out to share. It's not that i don't trust...it's that most people don't have the desire to really hear.
Today though, I could have used someone like you. My one son is an addict. He has to go to NA. He doesn't want to. Obviously. He can do it on his own. He'll go when he feels better. But, you see, he was put on pain killers for his back and he proudly got himself back off of them. But still on weed every day. He has lost his job. Not over drugs. But, my thought? How will he get another when most places drug test? Not only that, he despises himself for his duplicity. It is eating away at him. Marijuana is cheaper than cigarettes because people give it to him. His family suffers when he withdraws. Somehow, he needs to go in the door of NA tonight. He promised me he would go yesterday. He didn't...has the shakes and all from going 36 hours without a joint. He isn't going to be very nice. I wondered if my daughter in law and grandsons should go to stay with her parents. Maybe so. He needs to get better. I've asked him for a commitment to 90 meetings in 90 days. He was really pissed off with me today for following through...but he asked me what to do and then he gave me his word. I know that meetings won't fix it. But I know that it will let him lean on some others instead of my daughter in law.
To my credit, I did ask someone to go out today. I wanted to talk. I didn't follow through with the words that I was needing it. Everyone is busy. It's the holiday season. That's only going to get worse. And I don't know how it's supposed to work when I have a need and they have a different need. I am getting the idea that it shouldn't always be me that gives. I will have to figure it out. Because sometimes I need people to show up. For me. Just because. Instead, I try asking less and less. Rejection is hard for me at this stage. I know why, my dear therapist. Yes, I was married to the guy who couldn't sit still for ten minutes just to be with me. To talk to me. Only for sex. I understand that the way he used sex and the way he didn't take the time warped my sense of value. And sometimes I wonder about my value. I don't feel that valuable to anyone. Well, my dog adores me. Others like me well enough. But truthfully there really isn't anyone that wakes up and is just thankful that I am. That's a little sad....but a reality for most, I imagine. Maybe not my dream from childhood, but it is what is true.
And I wonder why it is that I have no interest in remarrying. Not even in dating. Sex might be nice. Ha. I've never had sex when not married and I'm not planning on starting now. Kind of like the thing with the therapist....without the interpersonal part, it doesn't meet my need. But, what is it? I think that it is the fact that I gave the best I had. I prayed to be and grow and love fully. I really wanted to make it work. I didn't take it lightly. But, it wasn't working. Not at all. It was a facade that made other people feel good. But, it wasn't real. And, I don't know how to be sure that it's real if I were to go for it again. I married the super charming guy. He is a church icon. He'll probably be a deacon at some point after the stigma of the divorce dies down. And I wake up every day simply grateful that he's not here. That I don't have to walk in that world anymore. It was horrid. And yet....another family member has pushed aside what happened to me...is "praying for me" while being silent to me. Not wanting to know what it is that could have pushed me here. Not caring.
I don't know how to answer people who are like that. But, since they don't contact me after saying that they will be praying...I guess no answer is necessary. I don't want to go into what a jerk he is. How false. How he doesn't live a life that helps those he supposedly cares about. How he only lives to please himself...yes, pun intended.
My dear therapist, I would be happy to see you for so many people. But if I came to you, it would take away the small remains of my self worth. It would mean finally giving up on my greatest hope. The hope that God will continue to provide in every way....including relationships. Once I have to pay you to be kind to me. To listen to me. To spend time with me. Once that happens, I will know with finality that I have no one. And I don't think that I can bear that. So much has already been put upon me. A depressed son. A daughter that needs love and guidance...and needs a father's love. A son with attention needs. A son that is an addict. A job that demands hours and hours. All of these things I carry and pray for. Take care of one at a time, moment by moment. But there is this line...this thing that I can't give up on in my very soul. I can't give up on the idea that it can work to be part of the Body. That there is strength there. That there is everything to meet our needs. And though the church I have attended hasn't once reached out to meet any need (even to offer to pay you for me. :)), I still believe. I understand how they feel. I know how easily he deceives. He seems so.......good. So, I can't judge them there time of grief and of judgement towards me. I knew that it would have to be that way. I can only hope that those who know me best will see me. Will reach out. Will care. Even though it costs them. And I know that it will. So, I can't ask....though some days, I want to get on my knees and beg to be be seen and heard and understood. To be cared for. To be hugged and comforted. That's not something you can ask for. It's something that has to be offered. And...I can't buy it either. Though there are those moments when I wish I was sitting in your office. A safe place. Somewhere in time when it is MY time....no disruption...nobody else more important...no phone...no game...no kid....no anything. But in my mind I would know that it was also a facade. That you really have nothing invested in me. That you don't like me or not like me. You don't listen because you love. It's just your job.And there's the rub...he viewed it as his job and duty to take care of us...of me. He showed up. He did what he was supposed to do. He did the motions. And my spirit died. I was crushed. Hearing, "I'm praying to be able to love you, " just about did me in. So, I guess it would just remind me of the fact that I am not worth it to anyone if your office is the only place that I can speak and maybe get a hug.
And I'm just not willing yet. Though it would make others feel better. Less like they had responsibility. It would destroy me right now. And I don't know how to be clear with them without hurting them. I can't because it would mean breaking me. Finally and completely admitting that there is nobody around that cares enough to hear. To see. To pray. To hold. And I just can't believe that yet. And I fear a day that I do.
But, I do appreciate all you do for so many. I do see your work. I don't feel it a waste. I see the help you give people I know. It's just that....the whole basis of my pain is relational. It deals with value. With being conditioned that if I don't "pay".....with sex when I was married....then I'm not worth being with. And I need to get past that. Somehow, I need to walk through it and find out if I am worth it to others. I'm sure that I'll cry a good bit. And mourn. And scream. And laugh at myself. But, in the end, I plan on coming out whole and complete. With relationships forged in the hard times. Somehow.
Thanks though. Keep up what you do best for so many. I am thankful. I see the purpose. Your purpose. It's noble. And kind.
Grace to you.
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