It may take me awhile, but eventually, I get it...and once I really "get it"....it's pretty hard to change my mind. Last night...after I was already in bed. Already asleep. My husband finally emailed. His email said it was late and that he would try to write tomorrow night depending on how late he had to work. And that perhaps we could just talk on Sunday.
I'm being played. It's the same old dance. Same old rut. Same old routine. He is putting off what I need. Hoping for it to be indefinite. He says the right words...words that sounds like validating...but they are just tools that he has learned to use to keep me being patient. Because, I AM patient. I am willing to wait. Make that....I WAS. Now, I'm sure that having filed was the right thing. You see, I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find out how he wants to accommodate for my needs. I want to actually do so. And I can. By my own choice.
I have used I more in the last weeks than ever before in my life, I think. However, not selfishly. More...self preservingly. I need to save myself if I intend to be able to help and love those around me. In loving myself, I am seeing how I'm also loving them.
Yep. I'm smart enough. Maybe not as intelligent as he is.....or as apt with words But I KNOW things. And though I've always been willing to figure it out, to fix it, to make it better, to be patient.....suddenly it has come to me....he doesn't give me the respect nor regard that I need. He is not willing to do what I need. I always excuse him. And it's hard not to do so now. I feel like I'm swinging the other way and being too critical. Maybe I need to be just for awhile so that I can see it in a balanced light eventually. Maybe so. Hmmm. I do want to be BALANCED. My word of the year. Interesting how the right word comes. I love that.
If you are here and just beginning the journey with me, I have to say that it has been a long ride. But, I know that if you are here then you are probably on a difficult journey of your own and trying to find help and understanding. I get what it feels like to hurt. So....if you'd like, we can walk along together for awhile.
I'm already praying for you. Have been for over a year.
blessings. grace.
I'm being played. It's the same old dance. Same old rut. Same old routine. He is putting off what I need. Hoping for it to be indefinite. He says the right words...words that sounds like validating...but they are just tools that he has learned to use to keep me being patient. Because, I AM patient. I am willing to wait. Make that....I WAS. Now, I'm sure that having filed was the right thing. You see, I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find out how he wants to accommodate for my needs. I want to actually do so. And I can. By my own choice.
I have used I more in the last weeks than ever before in my life, I think. However, not selfishly. More...self preservingly. I need to save myself if I intend to be able to help and love those around me. In loving myself, I am seeing how I'm also loving them.
Yep. I'm smart enough. Maybe not as intelligent as he is.....or as apt with words But I KNOW things. And though I've always been willing to figure it out, to fix it, to make it better, to be patient.....suddenly it has come to me....he doesn't give me the respect nor regard that I need. He is not willing to do what I need. I always excuse him. And it's hard not to do so now. I feel like I'm swinging the other way and being too critical. Maybe I need to be just for awhile so that I can see it in a balanced light eventually. Maybe so. Hmmm. I do want to be BALANCED. My word of the year. Interesting how the right word comes. I love that.
If you are here and just beginning the journey with me, I have to say that it has been a long ride. But, I know that if you are here then you are probably on a difficult journey of your own and trying to find help and understanding. I get what it feels like to hurt. So....if you'd like, we can walk along together for awhile.
I'm already praying for you. Have been for over a year.
blessings. grace.
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