Being Useful

Sometimes the best thing to do on a really really hard day is to find a way to be useful.  Today I am angry AND hurt. Usually I go one way or the other.  BLAH.  (*^l$#^**(*^%$#@$%%^^^%$#*^@^%*&^%$!
However, on the upside, I am learning a new skill.  Trying to build frames.  I'm not pro...but, it's satisfying to get better as I "learn".  I am amarter than I give myself credit for.  And today it was really hard to get started on it and feel competent.  But, here I sit awaiting a step to dry.  In the quiet, windy, cool garage.  It's getting ready to rain.  The air is crisp and wonderful.
Sometimes I wonder if it was so wrong to desire to be really loved.....not just committed to.  Why do I feel so guilty about longing for that?  For being put off by him "trying".  Wish he'd go on his way and move home to his mama. hahahahahhaahaha.  Sorry, that made me totally laugh.  She would be so happy.  Get to take care of her baby.  Help him heal from that mean, incompetent woman he married.  Funny, I didn't used to be.....must be catching.
Back to useful...useful boosts the self esteem.  It gets good stuff going in the brain.  It makes the body be up and doing rather than lounging and giving up.  Sometimes, it even puts me in an environment to get encouraged.  Not always.  Sometimes, I have to learn to encourage myself.  Kind of like when my babies had to learn to "self comfort" in the middle of the night.....of course, I usually had a hard time with letting them.  I loved holding their sweet little bodies up next to mine.  But, I tried because I knew that it was good for their futures.....a skill to learn.  But, not that you always have to comfort yourself.  Sometimes it's best to let others.  Part of growing up is learning which is which.
Back to this pleasant work in the garage.  Listening to the rain fall now.  I LOVE rain.  It's beautiful.  It's refreshing.  It's cleansing.  It's the same feeling as having a good cry. Minus the puffy eyes and snotty nose.
grace to you.