Needin' to Talk

Or scream.  I am absolutely sick of the drama.  The money drama is non ending.  Only because it's control.  Tonight, it was a call to see if I had deposited the rent check from our rental...I had, but not all of it.  I kept some out.  He said that he won't be able to make the house payment.  I need to give him money from my account.  Thing is....I used that money to buy my son necessities for his new apartment.  And groceries.  And stuff like...shampoo, paper towels and toilet paper.  I know, horrendous.  But, what made me really angry is that he called our friend who rents from us to see if she had given the rent....awkward.  And, it would be a horrible thing, but I checked and there is money in the savings that could be moved until the end of the week when we get paid again.....I know, right?  He has never in all of these years taken care of anything quietly.  He enjoys making me feel like garbage.  But, strangely, I knew that it would happen when I decided what to do with that rent money.  I had decided to "tithe" it.....because I feel wrong about the fact that he doesn't tithe our money.  So, I tithed on my half of it.  To help someone out.  Hopefully.  And, though I don't like what happened, I wouldn't change what I've done.  I'll empty my piggy bank.  I'll borrow from my son til payday.  Whatever.  Sometimes you have to suck it up and help out others and just figure it out without having a coronary.  We don't have much put away...but we are only off by a hundred dollars.  I think that it will be ok. 
It's not about money.  Well, it is....but, it's more about control, about showing how I fail...again.  I took money out for groceries without asking him.  Go figure.  He likes me to wait until he offers it. 
Let me put it this way...the woman he called to be sure that she paid her rent is raising four kids on her own working only 25 or so hours a week.  The fact that he would put stress on her or even on me instead of taking care of it......it just turns my stomach.  I wanted to scream.  To tell what he was doing and how it was going to be ok. 
He makes everyone feel badly about money.  About needing anything.  I think that if he were gone I would spend less.....less stress, less trouble deciding.  Won't always feel needy about everything. 
Guess I'll be emptying my piggy bank tomorrow to put in the bank account.  What a joke.  Hope I have enough in it.  Hopefully.  Been saving to go to see my kid.  I'll save again.  And pay off all of the prep stuff that I put on my card....so that neither of my sons would feel badly. 
I wanted to talk.  Wanted to tell my friend how bad this has always been.  How it's a lie.  We don't have much in the way of cash.  Lots of groceries to buy.  Lots of shoes.  Lots of shampoo and laundry detergent....lots of kids.  But, we are fine.  Always one step away from ruin.  Everyone is.  Big bank account or not.  But, he has to remind me all of the time. 
And that is what I hate.  I hate that he puts it all on me.  That he never carries the stress.  Never takes care of things.  Never quietly allows me to live in peace.  He has to make an issue all of the time. 
He blames.  That's how he lives. 
Yes, I was needing to talk....but short of saying that "I'm sorry that I married a jackass," I wasn't sure what I could say that would be appropriate....not that that would be appropriate.  But, it would be true.  But, I was silent yet again.  I hinted, but didn't just say......why do I protect him?  He doesn't do the same for me.  Guess the thing is that I'm not him.  And he can't take away the good parts of who I am.  Nearly did.....but I am making new choices. 
He does know how to make it so that I won't be able to sleep well......he knows how to make me worry.  Too bad he never learned how to comfort and protect.
grace to you.