What Happened

I am finally understanding what has thrown me into such a tailspin.  Why I feel uncomfortable most of the time.  Why I worry that I'll find myself "unfriended". It's not that I can't trust.  Or that I don't trust.  Others, I mean.  But, I don't trust myself....my judgement.  Because I blew it.  Because I thought that I was marrying someone who was one thing, but he was really something totally different.  Thought that he felt towards me one way, when really, he didn't.  Thought that I was someone he would be proud of....when in fact, he has to "try" to feel that way.  So, just as an overturned judgement causes other court cases to come under review, this realizing how badly I misjudged has called into question other relationships.  "Maybe I was mistaken."  "Maybe they don't really mean it." "Maybe they don't like me. He doesn't."  Yep, that is what has happened  And, while I did blow it, I blew it huge.  I trusted.  I believed.  I worked.  I gave.  I covered.  Hmmm.  Maybe I'm not too bad.  So, if I allow this doubt to take up residence  If I second guess every relationship because of how this one person feels about me....well, then I've not only allowed him to have power over one relationship, but power over how I feel about me....and power over how I think others might feel about me.  I won't do that.  Well, I have done it, but it is the beginning of the end of that kind of thinking.  What he thinks about me, how he treats me, and what he believes are not the sum of who and what I am.  And even if he is right in what he thinks about me...and I'm not his "cup of tea", that doesn't mean others would feel the same way. 
Rationally, I get this.  Deep inside, I'm scared, off balance and totally freaked out that maybe I just assume that people like me who are really just being nice.  Because I know lots of really nice people  Ok, some really nice people and lots of basically nice people. 
I see what has happened.  He might have stolen my happy marriage.....but he is not going to allow me to ruin my own happy ever after.  That's not his choice.  It's mine.
grace to you.