Responsibility

Tonight I realized that i don't so much want to blame my husband as I want for him to find a way to take responsibility for how he has hurt me.  Humiliated me.  I want for him to see how his actions caused heartache, pain, and suffering.  Instead, he changes his behaviors to try to reap what he wants from me.  He has a list mentality, "if I do these things, then I can expect this is return...".  That just hurts me more.  Sweeping away the reality of what has harmed and exchanging it for just striving to show how good he is only serves to hurt me more.Sometimes what feels like blame is a wishing that someone would own their actions. 
I take responsibility for where we are right now.  He does not.  I am making choices.  I am moving on.  Very slowly...but, still, moving.  Not stagnant.  Not staying in the rut.  Choosing truth.
Truth is truth?  Right?  Why does it seem to be so different for different people?  Because we all look at it from our perspective.  From our own life experience.  Makes it difficult to keep it.....true. ;) 
But if we seek Him, we will find Him....and He IS truth. 
I am not claiming to have more truth than my husband.  I just know this.....living as we have is a lie.  And as for me, I am turning away from the lie.  Don't know what God really thinks about relationships.  Just have glimpses in His word.  But there is a bedrock of truth that seems to show me that relationships are more than a legal matter.  More even than just a sticking around matter.  They are Jonathan and David.  They are Paul and Timothy.  They are Jesus and the Church.  They have a special bonding.  It's not simple willpower. 
I know this kind of relationship.  I am capable of it.  I don't know if he does.  If he has ever had it, I am unaware of it.  Because he is about him.  I told him once that he is the most selfish person I have ever known.  I think it is perhaps true.  Well, at least known well.  And, I've known some doozies.  He's so selfish he doesn't even know that it's selfish.  Lives life thinking that it should be good for him because he's a good guy.  Doesn't comfort.  Well, not us.  Maybe others.  I could ask around.  Doesn't empathize. 
I don't need to blame.  Blame solves nothing.  What I long for is that he would take responsibility.  Not that it would change my attitude at this point.  Not take it to gain anything.  Just because.....it would be right.
grace to you.