Waiting

I have been sitting here refreshing the browser on my subfinder page.  There's a job that's "locked" while someone is looking at it and the way to get the job if they decline is to keep refreshing my browser until I see that the job is "unlocked".  It's a waiting game.  I really want this job that I'm waiting for.  At a school that I enjoy, on a day that I do not have filled this next week.  The likelihood of getting a locked job is pretty remote.  Everyone needs work.  But, here I sit, waiting and clicking.  I am a patient person.  I am a hopeful person.  I am persistent...well, sometimes.  The thing is that here I sit doing this thing that requires all of these life skills that I don't give myself credit for on a daily basis.  I have them.  I have just felt like such a failure that I have quit thinking of myself in those terms.  Those really negative thoughts do creep in.  Words like quitter and failure.  Words that tear down.  I've heard them enough.  Now I'm parroting?  That's on me.  If I can't be comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming then nobody else should be expected to be comfortable with me either.  I have to do this.  I HAVE to view myself in a healthy manner.  And it's harder than I ever expected.  Sometimes I simply don't realize how I've allowed my thoughts about myself to deteriorate.  But, just like muscles, good thoughts can be built back up.  They are not gone forever.  I am a hoper.  I have to use some of that hope and grace towards me! 
Ah, I didn't get the job.  Strangely, that's ok.  God has good plans for me.  Perhaps the lesson of the evening wasn't about GETTING the job, it was about being willing to risk and to try.  Perhaps success isn't measured how the world says it is.  Perhaps the success of the day is high simply because I have sought Him.  I don't really know.  I just know that I was trying to live the wrong way.  Now, I'm going to change that.  I was having inaccurate and unkind thoughts about myself...and I'm going to change that too.
Because only I can choose those things.  I can't make anyone else treat me better.  However, I can have high expectations.  I can think enough of myself to not allow anyone to beat me down with words or guilt or shame.  I can.  I think.  One little step at a time.
grace to you.