Worship

I went to church this morning.  Heart pounding.  Absolutely freezing.  But,, I was going to worship with fellow kingdom members.  All broken.  All hurting.  Some know it.  Some are unaware.  Some simply deny it.  It was difficult because my husband was in choir today.  But, I went anyway.  A teen that I adore was playing in the orchestra.  I needed to go for many reasons.  Called to go.  Drawn.  So, I went.  I moved seats until I found one where I could see the teen but where I felt "safe".  Took deep breaths.  Prayed.  And...allowed my focus to shift from "him" in the front to "Him" who deserves my trust and worship. 
It made me know how far I've come.  How good God is.  How amazing it is to get to share in something so simple.  How beautiful.  How renewing. 
No matter the pain.  No matter if anyone gets it.  No matter if I am never received by those who walk beside me....there is One who always knows, always sees, always loves, always redeems.  He is worthy of so much more than my simple act of managing to walk inside a building to sing praises.  But, today, that's what I had to give.  The act of going itself was an act of worship.  An emptying of myself and taking in His courage, His will, His hope, His peace.  I was a little antsy.  But, not too bad.  It turned out ok.  I'm glad that I tried.  Glad that I succeeded.  Glad that I haven't given up.  Glad that even when it's hard for me to believe...He still believes in me. 
Yet, a part of me wonders how the man who has griped me out for taking communion when he wasn't happy with me can stand up front and behave as if all is fine.  But, I guess that it is.  Because there is enough grace.  Enough love.  Enough forgiveness.  And, everyone doesn't have to know everything.  God knows.  I'll let that question be His job, not mine. 
grace to you.