My Heart

How can I believe that I am worth being treated well when I know as well how perfectly miserably I can behave?  It is a hard thing for me to reconcile.  Spent my getting ready time trying to put my finger on it.  You see, really, my beef with my husband has little to do with his behavior.  Though, those behaviors are the concrete manifestation of what is wrong...they are not what is wrong at the core.  No.  It's deeper.
When I say I have never been enough, I don't mean that I am less of a human being, I mean that my actions have never pleased....perhaps placated....but not elated.  Because there is no delight in WHO I am.  He doesn't even know who I am.  His behaviors when he's being nice have to do with him.  Not the objects of his kindness. 
My heart was breaking this morning as I thought...he was nice last night.  Then I remembered.  Part of the cycle.  Had his financial meltdown....laid it on me....feels better.....acts nicer.....until he needs to release his frustration at me again.  I AM the object of all of his frustrations.  Of his feeling badly.  All of those things are my doing.  But, I am never the object of his devotion, his nurture, his kindness....HE is the object of those.  Does those because it makes him look good or feel good.
So, my heart is tender this morning.  Because I realized that though he might put on kind behaviors, there is no support.  No foundation.  And it always crumbles when he "remembers" how short I fall.
grace to you.