Fatality

So, I had a horrible realization yesterday.  Probably explains my "funk".  He beat me.  There is no "winning" for me.  Because yesterday as I realized how little I can function when he's around, and as I was thinking how at some point I am going to need to break this tie....or drown.  I came upon a sad truth.  My dreams of being a christian author/ speaker were suddenly shattered.  So, if I stay, I am kept from it, and if I go I am kept from it as well.  People frown on divorced people in christian ministry.  And I wouldn't want that failure to be the thing people talk about me.  Apparently I'm not cut out to be a counselor.....the Nike counselor "just do it".....doesn't have a lot of draw. Can't be free to write living with someone who is a "real" writer...who ridicules my dream.  Can't write if I'm free.  Damned if I do and damned if I don't.  This hit me really hard.  Reduces me to jell-o.  What did I do and what was I thinking to let my life become this?  How did I manage to not stand up sooner?  And will it matter if I do now?  Will I really get to live?  Or did his shame in me already do it's completed damage?  Is there hope for something new, or is that a fantasy? 
He has hurt me more than any other person ever.  But I still cover for him.  I still try to talk nicely about him.  I still attach my value to him.  Because he is the nice guy that everyone likes and I'm just me.  I blow it as often as I get it right.  But.....here's the thing:  I LIKE me.  Even if nobody else is going to.  Because I know something about me.  I for real care.  I cherish.  I try.  I have something in me that hopes and likes to encourage. 
But, maybe it's too late for me to make it.
He's all excited and counting up my sub days.  Barf. 
I have to quit crying.  I have to go to work.  I feel alone this morning.  Alone in my realization.  Alone in the feeling that maybe I can hope for others' dreams but have to put mine to rest.  And it makes me angry.  At him.  Because he stole when he should have given.  Tore down when he should have built up.  I won't go into all of the thoughts in my wee little brain.  They aren't very nice.
Besides, I have to go to work.  Makes it harder with him counting.
grace to you.