Solitary

This morning I awoke, on the floor, with a feeling of being trapped.  Of not being able to change anything.  That maybe I should just give in and give up.  Don't worry,by the time I had sat up, which is a little harder when on the floor, I had begun again to think about perspective. 
That thinking led me to thinking about the prisoners of war that are kept in solitary confinement, who never see light, who don't know if anyone is looking for them, who are tortured, who have very little space., who are nearly starved.  Yet, the ones who survive talk about how they were free within their minds.  How nobody can take away what is in your mind.
It's way too easy to give away my mind.  To take what others think as reality instead of choosing freedom within the walls of my own mind.  I have been set free.  Why do I allow myself to get all tangled up in the circumstances?  Because the are SO overwhelming and so ever present.  And, because I woke up wondering how in the world can I shake off this mess I've gotten myself into.  Therein is the key.  Those prisoners need to not blame themselves.  Blame destroys.  Blame uses up energy.  Blame fills the mind with self hating.  That makes me know that no matter how often I work at putting to words what has happened and how things are been....at the core of me, I feel like a failure.  I see the women who have what I tried to have and I just think that I blew it. 
But, I didn't.  And I'm not going to live in solitary when I don't have to.  I am free.  In my mind first, and in the world second.  I don't have to succumb to the thoughts that pass through my mind.  I can turn them over like a rock at the beach, seeing if it's one I want to keep.....and if I don't, I can chuck it into the ocean.  And, yes, just like the rock, it's likely that it will wash back up and I will see it again.  Next time, it will take me less time to know that it's not what I want to keep.  Eventually, I won't pick it up at all. 
Whatever is good. Right.  Excellent.  Worthy of praise.  Let your mind DWELL (live within) these things.  I think God knew my very struggle and provided wise words of advice.
grace to you.