Clanging Cymbals

This week, I subbed in preschool again.  The kids are so cute....the teachers are simply amazing.  Because it's not easy to keep 15 or 16 3 and 4 year olds on task.  It goes against their very nature, which is....leave nothing unexplored: language, toys, pencils, paper, scissors, blocks, plants, animals, electronics.  Whatever it is, they are born with a simple need to explore, experience and enjoy.  Very fun.  Except that music is one of the things that is to be "explored".  Now, I learned as a mother of so many very long ago that there are two ok instruments for preschoolers.....xylophone and harmonica.  They sound somewhat nice even when being abused.  However, this last week was the week to explore percussion.  They had a drum, which was, well, actually it was ok.  They also had cymbals.  Did I mention that they have 40 minutes of "exploring" time?  I noticed those instruments as soon as I entered the room.  Like a well trained drug dog...sniffing out any harmful substances.  But, the morning class never really touched them.  Then the afternoon class came.  They did not stop for the entire 40 minutes.  They clanged and smashed and crashed those cymbals.  One child after another.  It was not pretty music.  And, the drum I spoke of?  It was a part of the grand preschool musical as well.
Hearing those cymbals made me think about life.  About the things people do.  About intentions.  About love.  Doing something because it's the right thing to do or because you should do it or because it will turn out well for you or make you look good.....all of those things fall short.  Eventually the very base of why we live as we do has to come from love.  Otherwise, it's all as irritating as clanging cymbals.  Ba bing.  I realized this in the shower.  My husband might get his list together.  He might want to look good.  But, the bottom line is that it never came out of love.  Except for love of self.  For years I begged for something good, for gentleness, kindness....for a strong marriage....for understanding.  Never.  But, when it affected his sense of safety, of reputation....suddenly he seems to do some things.  In a stilted way.  But, I've tried to tell him...it's still about him.  About his fear of loss.  Not about any of us.  So, it sounds like clanging symbols.  Because though you do all things, though you meet the "criteria", without love, it's all just irritating.
Now I kind of get why I feel like I do.  Not pretty, but at least I understand a little bit better.  Doing it to get something doesn't heal or sooth.  Doing it to be popular or noticed doesn't either.  When love just isn't there...it just isn't.
grace to you.