Working Through

I realize that the reason that I am not ready to share with the world is that I have to work through some things.  I have to pray.  I have to grow.  I have to get past wanting to shout, "you don't know what the blankety blank you are talking about!  Things are not as they seem."  And I know that if I were put in the situation that I was supposed to share....I would end up being very hurt.  I guess that I can't take more hurt.  I have to wooooorrrrkkkk throuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh.   And it is work.  Lots of it.  Every day. 
However, I AM healing.  I am growing.  I am making plans and figuring out how to move forward with as little fallout as possible.  Still....not easy.  Painful.  Heartbreaking.  I guess that I thought that it couldn't happen.  Or wouldn't happen.  I thought that....being the perfect guy he must've thought that I was worth it.  I am.  In the way that he always gets to be the perfect one while leaving me holding the responsibility for decisions. 
I went shopping for our son today....the one who is moving out.  You know, a broom, silverware organizer, dish and laundry soap.  The stuff you need to start out.  Spices.  And I kept reminding mysel that I needed to hear my own voice and make my own decision.  Not be held captive by his voice.  And, I worked through it.  Without fear.
But, there was the issue of the bed.  I bought it for my son.  I had to put it on my own credit card.  I thought my son would cry, he was so thankful.  So humble.  And, he agreed....mentioned...that we wouldn't say anything.  Just get it moved in on Monday.  Set up.  No biggy.  Just do it without telling his dad.  That's sad, isn't it?  What do my kids think of their father?  That he won't give to them.  Or me.  What a shame. 
I've been thinking of selling him my house.  I have to work more regularly....but, if I did, I could find a place and make it ok for the next several years.  I could start looking to invest in where I'll want to live when the kids are done with high school.  It's not for sure, but I realized that though I like my house...I wouldn't mind the change either.  A place where I don't feel the constant need to try to forgive for my ruined garden or my path that he tore up to build something else and then just threw back.  Or the weeds that grow because for some reason, I'm not supposed to use my own weedeater.  Or the bedroom that isn't mine with the bed I've begged to get rid of.....the bed my grandpa died in.  I think fresh might be ok.  Although I've worked hard here......that is sad.  But not insurmountable.  In my mind, I divide up the furnishings. 
Because in my marriage I went from I forgive you....to I forgive you, but it's not ok.....to, I forgive you, but it's not ok and it's not changing and I'm not going to live like this.  I have grown.  Not as some think I should.  But, today I realized that in 31/2 years I will be fifty years old.  I don't want to spend those years with someone who totally tears me down.  Who doesn't believe good about me.  But expects me to carry, uplift and stroke his ego...amongst other things. 
It's time to change.  Even if at first is it just the mindset.  I need to let God fill me back up.  I'm working through.  Walking through.  Not gonna stay in a bad place.  Nope, cuz I have a choice.  Glad I remembered that.
grace to you.