On the Outside

Today the teachers went out to lunch.  I am in the room eating.  I kind of like that actually, since I crave some quiet time in my very long days.  But, sometimes it points out to me again that I'm an outsider still in the world of teaching.  That's ok.  I am enjoying substituting.  It's just.....I'm so sensitive these days.  Tender.  My heart is aching.  And, I don't see that ending anytime soon.  So, I'll try to be gentle with myself.  Try to put words to my feelings so that people can see me.  As best as I can.  And I'll try to remember who I want to be....the kind of person.  The kind person. 
Sometimes I struggle with whether I can be that way.  Like I've spent so long holding up the barrier.  But, I'm not going to give up.  I'm going to define what it means in my world and I'm going to go for it.  I don't mean simply giving or simply easy going.  I mean kind from the heart.  But strong.  I want to remain the strong woman that I am...and should be....while being gentle.  Somehow, someday, I will figure it out.  It is my constant, heartfelt prayer. 
Off to more of a good day.  Good salad.  Water.  Putting in good makes the body stronger.  Putting good into my heart makes my spirit and emotions stronger.  I have to keep practicing putting in good and not crap.
grace to you.