Deep Breath

Sometimes, unexpectedly, courage wins out.  Sometimes I am able to do the hard thing.  Not always.  But, sometimes. 
What if I tell myself the truth, tell him the truth but leave it there?  How do I live the rest of my life?  Therein has been the question for me.  How do I answer people's questions?  How are you?  How are you and (husband's name) doing?  Are you coming on the couples weekend?  How come I haven't seen you around the church?  How do I tell my story and leave his to him???  That's what I don't get.  And how do I get from my friends what I need without taking from him what he needs? 
You see, I am not unkind nor selfish...well, yes I am, sometimes.  But, generally, I don't feel like he needs me to help pull him down.  Eventually people will know him. And they will know me.  And in that knowing, they have to choose whether to stay or not.  It's always a choice.  But, I don't need to wage a smear campaign.  Though, occasionally when he's doing something that seems extra nice....well...I want to say, "now, for the rest of the story..."  I don't.  It's juvenile, I know. 
But, tonight I worked at saying my words.  I don't know how to tell anyone how deeply hurt I am. But I don't need to do harm while getting good.  Can't figure it out for the life of me. 
I don't like him.  That's the thing at this point.  The honest truth.  Because he chose to leave me without love or support.  But still demand "relationship".  And I can't.  I wish I could.  For some strange reason, I probably always will wish it.  But truthfully, I can't.  I've tried.  And if people hate me for it, I'll have to live with it.  Guess not much will change in some ways.  At least I'll be learning not to hate myself.  Which is where this marriage has taken me. 
So, I'll take a deep breath.  And I will enjoy tomorrow.  And I will smile.  And I will choose blessing and not curse.  And, when need be I will say what needs to be said.  I have gotten better...with those outside my church.  Those who won't crucify me.  Go figure....what a tradition to uphold.  Anyway, I must sleep.  Work tomorrow.  Deeeeep breath.  Not alone.  Ever. 
grace to you.