Death or Divorce

Seriously, there are more people in the christian  world who would support me if my husband died than if we got divorced.  This blows my mind.  I would be ok.  A widow.  Though, upon his death, nothing in our relationship would be any better than if we were to get divorced.  Nothing would have been made right or good.  Somehow it just feels pretty awful.  Like the only out is if someone has some fatal disease or accident.  Wow.  I don't think that is what God intended.  I think that marriage isn't supposed to be like this where you just hope for some way out.  I think true marriage is full of a lot of good.  That takes you til death...and then, is still with you. 
Whatever it is that makes that...it's more than just simply commitment to staying in the same house.  It is putting another's welfare, joy and well being above your own.  And it doesn't work one way.  For a time, it's fine.  But, as a lifestyle, it's a dead end. 
So, here I find myself, married, but not really.  I've never known what it is to be cherished.  I've truly tried to encourage him, cheerlead, compliment, believe in....you know, all of the how to make a good marriage hints?  I have REALLY tried.  And the biggest one of all.....prayed.  Asked God to help me change.  To be a better wife.  That he would find me favorable.  But, he doesn't.  And, fake isn't good enough.  It does not fill.  It tears down.  It destroys my sense of value.
So, I waited all of those years for a "good christian man" and I "saved myself" for marriage.  And now I think that I did what the rules were but I missed something.  I missed the fact that he has to come alongside as well.  He has to leave his family as well.  He has to choose to make a life as well. 
And, some say that I just have to keep waiting.  I guess that's where the until death part comes into their minds.  Well, death is separating us.  Death of myself.  We did come together...but his idea of us being one is to be HIM.  So, I slowly died.  And, that death has separated us.  Because it's impossible for me to become him.  To be him.  And it's certainly impossible for me to please him
So.  Divorce is a death.  Not looking for loopholes...I don't need them.  I get to decide.  God gave me freewill.  He gave me  a mind.  He rules in my life.  He leads and guides. 
As far as I'm concerned...we are already done.  He still just isn't willing to put the smelly corpse in the ground. 
Some people tell me that he might change.  For his sake, I hope so.  But, not interested.  Done.  Too much hurt done to me and too little caring about it.  I just want away so that I don't go the way of hate.  Because I don't hate...yet.  Angry.  Disappointed.  Pained.  Distraught.  Hurt.  Heartbroken.  But, hate will come if he continues this.  I am at the end of it being ok.  Of hoping to stay with him. 
I hope day and night to be separated.  That's pretty much done...doncha' think?
grace to you.