I Think

You might have noted that lately I've been rather glum about the whole marriage thing.  Ok....for most of this blog.  But lately, it has increased as my understanding of how warped things have become.  I simply don't trust or respect the man that I married.  I can't even go into the things he does and doesn't do adequately.  I can't possibly describe for anyone else how deeply wounded my heart is and why it feels like I can't even function these last few days.
I guess that I think that I should be able to force my brain and heart to do what they "should".  I know that I can go through the motions.  But, motions are a sad substitute for what might have been.
But, it was never going to be.  And it's not going to be.  And I think that maybe telling myself the truth is so hard that it's easier to hear the platitudes.  But, it doesn't matter whose fault.  It doesn't matter how it went.  Or why.  It just did.  And I think that I'm tired of trying to fix it all.  Of always having to be the one to decide things...so that it's always my fault.
Tomorrow he wants me to go eat at someone's house that is friends with someone from our past who really was mean to me.  I don't want to go.  Probably will not.  He accepted.  I hope that he has fun.  And the kids.  I'll nap.  I'm tired of his constant manipulative game to get me to do what he wants.  And now my stomach is once again in knots.  Like I'm never allowed a break.
And, I think that I just want to live.  Without all of the constant garbage.  Without desiring to say a choice word or three.  Without thinking how very wrong all of this is....this life that I'm supposed to have with him that doesn't really exist.  I gave up the pretense.  But he hasn't.  And now I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.  He walks around pretending.  He talks to me about money and what there is to eat.  That is his connection point.  That is where the marriage has to work for him.  Oh, and we mustn't forget sex, though I must say that I nearly have.  And I'm not too sad about it.  When I think of it now, I shake at the thought.  Tremble.  So, here I am on my pallet, resting and getting ready to go to sleep so that I won't be available to talk to him while I'm exhausted.  Which I am.  Sick two days and a busy morning today.  I'm worn out.  Probably has something to do with depression too.
Nah, not clinical....just the blues.  They ebb and flow.  As I try to learn to walk.  To stand.  To rest.  To try to figure out who I was....who I am supposed to be.  I am so used to not being her that it's a painful process to re-enter my own life.  Weird.
And you know whats funny?  I love to cook.  Absolutely.  But I can barely make myself do it lately.  I know that it's because he constantly makes it all about him...how I cooked for him blah blah blah.  I know that I need to grow up.  I just.....can't yet.  I am trying to.
Yet, I can't put it all to words and make others understand.  Stuck.  But, still have friends.  Still loved.  Still able to connect.
I will get through this.  For my God is higher than this temporary struggle.  And His mercy never ends.  So thankful for that.
But, in all honesty, I still feel like calling him some names tonight.  What a jerk he is being.  While pretending to be Joe Christian.  Blech.
Ok, I'll quiet whining and go to sleep.....before I get caught. 
grace to you.