Wounded

I know so well that I am not perfect.  That I have lots of ways in which to grow.  That on every front I am confronted by decisions...some of which I do well and others of which I fail miserably.  But that's ok.  I'm simply a person.  A woman.  A human.  One who does right.  And does wrong.  Who thinks right.  And thinks wrong  I forgive.  And have to turn around and figure out how to forgive all over again.  I stumble.  But, I am amazing at getting back up.  I trust. 
I am wounded.  For awhile, I thought that it was a fatal wound.  One from which I would never recover.  Or that I would be permanently disfigured at best.  In my soul  In my sense of self.  And, I certainly didn't want anyone to see the wound.  They might blame me for being so stupid or careless or for not conforming to their image of what is right and good.  And, it felt as if one more blow would simply finish me off.  One more "if you only".....please see me.  Please hear me.  Know that I am not saying that I am all good and he is all bad.  Not saying that I have to have everything my way.  I'm just saying that I have to get away from the blows.  Have to take cover.  Have to be nurtured and cared for.  I don't want to disappear.  I thought for a long time that it was the right thing to do 
Years ago an older woman asked me what I was learning spiritually and I said that I was learning to be content with what is.  Not trying to change it.  But now I know that I can be content IN all circumstance, but not WITH all circumstances.  Subtle difference?  Yes.  And no.  Because while there is peace and joy for me (and for all) IN all times and all places......that doesn't mean that we have to be ok WITH the circumstances.  Some things are wrong.  Some things are hurtful.  Some relationships destroy rather than build.  And it's fine to not be ok WITH that while being at peace IN it.  I had it confused.  I thought that somehow I had to be ok WITH it.  But, rather, I need to accept God's peace and provision during the circumstances but I don't have to think that the circumstances themselves are good.  And, sometimes, it is on me to change my circumstances or my view or my position or my location.  Sometimes it's foolish to stay within something that is easy enough to fix. 
It has been harder to change as the wounds became deeper.  Always believing that if I talked it out, shared, stayed and searched for the excellent marriage that it would be found.  That it could be.  The first step of healing for me was telling myself the truth.....and then telling him.  That I understood that he was ashamed of me.  That I understood that he was committed.  And that I knew that it wasn't enough.  That I couldn't give all to that. 
So, yes, I'm wounded.  And for a long time I have tried to hide it.  Because I was supposed to have the perfect marriage.  I don't.  But I should get a silver star for courage without regard to my own life while in battle.  I did well.  Though it didn't work.  I complimented.  Encouraged.  Gave courage.  Comforted.  Cooked.  Listened. Prayed.  But, nothing was ever going to be "right".  Because at the very base......I'm not the woman he wants.  And I can't change to be her.  I even tried that.  So, I need to let go.  Need to take my responsibility.  And leave him to his. 
And I need to let the people who love me help me to tend my wounds as surely as I would if I had a cut finger or a bump on my head.  And I need to hear their voices of care.  And trust what they believe about me when I can't remember what I believe about myself  Maybe there is an emotional type of amnesia.....where you forget who you are and who you want to be  But, my memory is returning. ;)
grace to you.