Gettin' What Ya Need

Some people are really good at getting their needs met.  Some of them enter a room and just practically suck up all of the oxygen as they fill themselves with what they need.  Others somehow have a knack for hanging around the "right" people who will give them what they need.  Some people are just able to ask for what they need and expect  to get it.
I know how to ask.  I know how to seek it.  But, I cannot overcome the feeling of being an inconvenience.  It's simply a fact that one person's needs can often be inconvenient for others.  Not that people mind inconvenience, it's just the nature of having needs.  Giving to one person means not giving to someone else or to yourself.
Frankly, it's all too complicated.  I don't know how to encourage people to get what they need, to do what they need, to be who they need to be....and still allow myself to have needs too.
This last couple of days, I have been heartbroken.  But, I have tried a new way of dealing with it.  I thought that perhaps planning some time would be better.  You know, not just showing up and falling apart on someone.  But, I am learning that doesn't work either.  Well, to be honest, I didn't say that I was needy.....I just tried to make plans.  And, the reason that the plans didn't work out were good and perfect.  It is as it should be.  And yet, why is it that I can't figure this out?  Some people are good at showing up and saying, "I've had a lousy day and I am here for you to help me feel better."  I like to know that others are doing ok first.  That my garbage won't add to their own pile from the day.
So, I write.  But, this kind of writing doesn't connect with anyone.  It doesn't allow me to hear wisdom.  Nor get a hug.  I know that it's my own fault.
It was these feelings that caused me to write, "chosen".  I still feel like the kid waiting.  Even though I don't want to live there.  And, today, I have chosen not to.  I am going to take the day off.  Get some much needed rest.  Drink a lot of fluids.  Take my vitamins.  And maybe work in my house.  I'm going to hide out alone.  I don't want to be with a crowd.  I just wanted.....what?  I'm not really sure.
I wanted to be seen.  It has been such a very hard few days.  But though I try to say, it all just sounds stupid.  Same ol', same ol'.  No way to get out the words that tell how heartbroken I am.  It takes so much time to simply relax.  No wonder I can't go to a counselor.  I'd need a day long appointment just to warm up.  But I know that I used to be able to do it.  I have friends who remind me.
This marriage has really been a killer to me.  Why doesn't anyone see that I'm missing?  How sad is that?  My fault.  Now I need to do new things.
Gonna finish crying here soon.  And spend my lovely day.  I choose it to be lovely.  Because I have breath.  Because I have so much to be thankful for.
I do have to say...this week is wreaking havoc on my health.  I have to figure out what to do with the sudden hopeless feelings regarding my dreams.  Because emotional pain DOES affect physical pain.  A lot.
The remedy for today....Gibbs and Denozzo.
grace to you.