Cavewoman

Ok, I don't carry a club nor gnaw large chunks of meat.  I hardly ever wear animal skins.  And, if anyone tries to drag me around by my hair....well, I'm gonna get mad.  But, I am finding myself becoming a cave dweller.  And I want to change that.  I want to be open again.  I remember being in this place.  I didn't like it then, and this time, I am liking it even less.  This is not who I want to be.  And the good news is that I can change it.  God gives life changing power.  In every realm.  He knows that He created me for relationship and community.  In His image.  But, I am really struggling.  I've done this to "help" others.  But the weight of it is too hard.  Just a new way of having to be two different ways.
 This cave woman needs to get with the times. ;)  Needs to find a way to share in the real world.  With real friends.  I want to protect.  I want to be considerate.  But, I don't want to be alone.  There has to be a middle ground.  Somehow.
But....what if?  You know, I am not the woman I once was.  There is a cold knot of indecision and pain in me. It's like I constantly battle it.  I know that He has the victory.  It's just that there's so much to lose. Causing pain.  Don't want it.  Want to be able to walk with God.  But, I know He didn't make me to walk solo.  Life is a harmony.  But letting go of biting my tongue, of hiding in my cave, of keeping quiet and not yelling the obscenities.....very risky.  But maybe.  Maybe the cavewoman will find her way.  Maybe she will find it ok.  But, not selfishly. With consideration.  grace to you