Glimmer

Today I had an aha moment.  A moment where different things came together and I realized that he can't stand it for me to have anything of my own.  Not a thing.  Not a friend.  It was painful to realize.  But, it was also a relief.  It made a lot of pieces fall into place.  Helped me take yet another breath.  Breathing feels good. 
From the time we married, he has been threatened by anything that is "mine"....my car when we married.  That's the one we had to sell.  My friends....he has to do things to impress them and make them his admirer.  From even before we were married.  I have a computer, he is jealous.  I get a phone, he wants it.  Whatever there is....a space in the house, if I have it, he'll take it over. 
Now, I don't know the WHY....but I did put those bits together today.  And, it helped me in some strange way.  And, that's good.  Because this was a really hard day.
I griped to a friend....which I try not to do.  I really was angry, but I need not to cause her to feel like she needs to take sides.  That was really hard today.  I almost had a break down moment right there.  So, I guess that it's good that I just groused instead.  But, it doesn't feel good. 
But, as I see patterns more clearly, it helps me to keep my sanity.  To remember that I am allowed to have things.  Allowed to have friends.  Allowed.  Great.  As if I need permission.  my whole mind and heart have been permeated.  But slowly, I am coming back to life.  And that is a very good thing. 
I'll try to focus on more positive events.  But, like I said, today was hard. 
grace to you.