Still Cold

I keep thinking that I'm going to get past this coldness.  I had on three layers and a jean jacket today.  It doesn't take away the chilled feeling.  I can focus on what is good.  I can look for excellence.  I can praise.  But, the bottom line is that it's all still messed up.  And I'm worn out from being cold.  From fearing being home.  I just want to get myself a bed and put it in my room.
Today, at church, someone that had asked me last week about coming to the next couples retreat that my husband's men's group plans........and I said it wasn't going to happen.  I didn't go into details or anything, but I was pretty forward.  Today she wouldn't even look at me.  I am an outsider.  What a shame.  I tried to be honest yet kind.  Didn't work out so well. But, though that hurt, at  least I tried.
It's a hard place to be.  It would be easier to conform.  I read a thing that christians don't want true unity...they want conformity disguised as unity.  If I don't conform I will walk alone.  If I do conform, I won't be able to walk at all.  The answer is clear, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I'm tired.  Worn out.  Emotionally.  Need to vent.  Wish I had a mama.  You know, one who would rant and rave about how awful this is and how I deserve better.  Ha.  That made me smile.  Not gonna happen.  But, it's fun to imagine.
grace to you