Music and Me

Got the tunes going.  A little Selah, Steven Curtis Chapman, Jars of Clay.....you get the idea.  Totally inspiring.  I like quiet....and I like music.  Equally well.  Different times call for different things.  Today, I need the words.  The encouragement.  The movement of the air...maybe it will keep me moving?
I am moved by music itself, but the message is the key for me.  The words.  What it is communicating.
I have been having a kind of rough time in learning some lessons.  Some, I don't want to learn.  I want to fight against it.  Say it isn't true.  I want to believe in the intrinsic desire of others to do the best they can.  But, the fact is that there is so much evidence that most people are out for themselves.  Only care about the bottom line of what something or someone gives them.  Benefits reaped.  It makes me shudder.  I am blessed to know people not like this....but, I ache for those people in the world surrounded by only those who want things from them.  I know how it can feel.  I have some people that only call me if they want something from me.  Who only want to be with me if I have something to give them.  Who only show up if they are "getting" something.  And, those people, I don't see much anymore.  I guess that's the benefit of not having a lot to offer right now....keeps that from happening. But, I think I will continue to fight against this lesson.  It's simply not good.  And certainly not excellent.  It's......hurtful.  It's......sad.  It's........such a waste.  Like they haven't learned that there is so much more to life.  To growth.
And, I'm struggling a bit with being brave on every front.  I get tired.  That's why the music helps.  Bolsters the courage.  Reminds me that I don't walk alone.  That I am loved.  I have to help my kids with college.  Encourage my very homesick son.  Get my older son over his embedded fear....of change?  Not sure.  But, yesterday I "kidnapped" him and made him look at lots of apartments and by evening he was ok to go do one on his own.  Progress.  I have to help my daughter learn that working hard is good and that there's a time when circumstances are beyond our control and we just have to live with it.  I have to make my boys use their own bathroom....and clean it.  And, as always, I walk alone in this parenting realm.  Always have.  Always having to step up and be brave.  To know how to encourage and how to push.  Crazy hard.  It's crazy love.  I don't struggle with that....I struggle because I always have to behave as if it's "us".  Sure.  Anyway....it wears to not be able to just say, "yes, I do that...on my own."
I want to paint my cupboards. hahahhaa.  Still.  Though it's better.  If it were just me to decide it would have been started yesterday.  Or a year ago.  Or more.  Being all tangled up is hard.  Because I'm scared that if I start and mess up......I'll never hear the end of it.  Sigh.  That's what is stressing me.  Can't risk anything that might be a failure.  No support.  None.
I turned on the music today because of that exact thing.....because I was realizing how there has never been support for me to be me...support for me to help him, yes, but not for me.
Yep, worn out today from it all.  And yet, strangely hopeful.  Yes, they can go hand in hand.  A little lonely for company today.  Probably need the mind distraction.  But, life is what it is.  I will keep on walking.  Hope you are strengthened and upheld to do so as well.
grace to you.