Rushing

I am here at the computer.  Glancing out the window.  Knowing that my time is very limited.  He will be home soon. What will it bring?  I never know.  I dread it.  Not knowing.  I feel hopeless about it.  It is the thing that I know I have to take time away from.  If I want to heal.  And I need to heal.  Desperately.  To be okay again.  I can't continue to live day to day with the racing heart and holding my breath.  I can't keep going to the couch and putting pillows over my head and trying to avoid things.  I can't leave my house to return 9 hours later when I only work 6.....my life is too precious to waste moments.  I have to find a way.  And it is excruciatingly painful to admit.  I cannot begin to express what a failure I feel like.  I'm not calling it quits.  I know exactly what I need to say.  Like God has been writing me a script.  Afraid.  He'll be angry.  Blame.  Chastise.  Remind me of my commitment.  Tell me how I should not be so hard hearted.  He'll then turn to self pity.  He'll cry and say he deserves it.  He'll wait for me to make it better.  To comfort him.  Because I always did.  I can't.  For my own emotional health....and for any hope of a future together, I have to get better.  I am running on empty in this relationship. 
Getting out and going to work has shown me again who I really am.  It helps me.  I laugh.  I smile.  I am me.  It feels so good.  It has been so long.  I know that I am to blame too.  Not trying to make it like everything is all his fault.  I get why he feels ambivalent toward me.  He does not know me.  He does not know my needs.  He has shown no interest in figuring it out for too long.  He takes.  He allows me to give.  And give.  And give. 
The hard part is that lately he's been acting all pained.  Like how can I be doing this.  How can I be so unkind as to not kiss and hug him.  Funny.  For me it's about so many deeper things.  If I had sex with him...and that's what it would be....not making love....all would be right in his world.  Seems so easy.  Like an easy way out.  Except there's no way.
I have to heal.  I was steps away from going over the edge.  From thinking things about myself that aren't true.  From believing his viewpoint.....
I can't do that.  Or I won't.  I'm not sure.  It's hard as a christian woman.  I really do want to seek truth.  I don't want to be a victim.  That's what I feel like right now.  That I despise.  If I leave myself in that position then it's my fault.  I am supposed to guard my heart.  God says so. 
I continue to pray.  To seek.  Scared to death.  Relieved that perhaps I will have the courage to defend me.  Trying to remember how many people ever have......think that I should. 
And if I lose everything?  Everyone?  I might lose them anyway if I sink into despair and depression.  I can't worry upon it.  Can't fret about everything. 
Have to quit living gritting my teeth.  Clenching my arms to my chest.  Losing my train of thought as I worry about what is coming each evening or morning when he is home.  If I don't, I will be lost.
Can I love myself enough to stand up?  Or will I simply allow myself to fade away?  To be erased?  The time of decision is nigh.